March 21 — April 19
Good old Aries still hanging in there with that dream regarding water signs and water sports. A word of warning Aries, there are some things best left imagined rather than actualized. Think about it, plus the ensuing potential medical bills, it’s all just too much. This is an excellent time to research your family tree, or in some of your cases, wreath. Prepare to be horrified, amused and repulsed, but on the positive side, think how great your gene pool might have been had your relatives only chosen to date outside their immediate family. Consider this the final warning regarding couples counseling with your brother or sister, depending.
April 20 — May 20
Hello Taurus or Taurusettes, probably a word, or at least a good idea for a word. And speaking of good ideas, this month you’re thinking hard about a project, that will, if properly handled bring great joy to many. The stars are a bit vague regarding the specifics, but do clearly warn against any form of physical activity which requires spandex cucumbers or raising chinchillas for fun, and/or profit. For extra bonus points, try helping the elderly even if they resist. For the present, restrict travel to a minimum, this includes the grocery, refrigerator or any form of roller derby competition.
May 21 — June 21
If you’re reading this then you must have taken the time to consider and act upon the suggestions, astrologically speaking, from last month. That being said, let’s look ahead. You have an urge to overindulge mid-month. This is partially due to Venus arriving in your second house while you were at the store shopping for turnips. Well, Venus lets herself in, and without a second thought, being anally retentive as she is, starts to feng shui the place. Then you back in through the front door carrying a single bag of groceries [$92.54], one bag, and trip over the newly placed couch sending assorted turnips flying in all directions. Knee-jerk, slap the enthusiasm out of Venus. Don’t do it, the stars call for patience, reserve, and most importantly forgiveness.
June 22 — July 22
Take heed Cancer, as a Taurus finds you irresistible, but for what purpose? It might be your unibrow or your death breath causing the attraction, but more than likely it’s your financial prowess. Guard what you have, and communicate clearly with this Taurus. Remember in a relationship, sharing is daring, but God bless the child that’s got his own, and keeps it, [Porgy and Bess]. Neptune has aligned with Mars, providing an ideal time for several spirited games of Corn Hole, a Warm shower and ample time for considering alternative forms of postage. Your lucky number, four the hard way.
July 23 — August 22
Rash behavior and short sighted actions are likely this month Leo. Guard against your desires to lead without a compass, moral or literally. You have friends among the fire signs, and following their lead is most advisable. Avoid skipping, limping, or any form of funny walk outside the home. And remember, fishing for compliments requires good bait, so use your brain first and your words second, to avoid misunderstandings and improve your position with others. Your lucky number 101-1001, in basic.
August 23 — September 22
Yikes Virgo, what would possess you to take advantage of a discount offer from a beauty salon that employs the criminally insane? Looks like your low self-esteem drove you to yet another bad decision. You’ve been warned Virgo, there’s nothing wrong with you physically that a little self-confidence would not overcome. For the next week or so try standing slightly to the left of your mirror, and then jumping into the frame to view your reflection with a big friendly “hi there good looking”. You’ll be amazed at the improvement in yourself esteem not to mention increased agility and cardio. Then put on your best sombrero, red tennis shoes [optional] and hit the streets. Mercury’s rising in the east so limit seafood and avoid clams no matter how attractive the package.
September 23 — October 22
You’re known for your even-temper and the desire to seek balance in your life. This month your ability as peacemaker and arbitrator will be put to the test. Think long and hard before undertaking responsibility in this regard. Fire and water tend to make steam, which in turn obscures the truth. Seek out an earth sign for guidance and to speak on your behalf. Remember, earth, water and fire when properly guided, can form an amalgam of truth stronger than any one of them individually. Not funny, just fact.
October 23 — November 21
Good for you Scorpio, a romantic interlude awaits, perhaps not precisely
what you expected, but romance nevertheless. But is it love or only summer infatuation? Late September will tell the tale as Venus moves into your first house, hot on the heels of Gemini and the full moon. It’s in your nature to be talkative, but it’s in your best interest to be silent, or at least moderate,
as your opinions will not be received well. Avoid the phrase “just because I understand doesn’t mean I care”, this will be construed as either rude, hurtful, or in the worst-case hostile. Lucky number $7.95, this reduced from $10.99 for final clearance.
November 22 — December 21
A chance encounter with another Sagittarius will leave you with more questions than answers. It said that most Sagittarian faces can be read like a book. Granted a book that more than likely should have been banned in most countries, but there you are. Staring into the abyss of your own image. Consider what you see, imagine plumbing the depths of their soul. Now consider if their soul were an ocean you’d barely get your feet wet. Wow, harsh reality. The fix won’t be easy sags, self-centered is self-defeating. We all know opening up for you is difficult, but hey do you really want to be that guy?
December 22 — January 19
Have you ever wondered why other people have good ideas and you don’t. Well Capricorn the truth is those people follow you around and do the exact opposite of what you’re attempting. Remember that romantic interlude that required the use of a Crane and written permission from the electric company? The universe does, and has decided to cut you a break in the form of an unprecedented good idea, and a new girlfriend/boyfriend, your choice. Plus a copy of the home game [THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK]. So show your thanks, look up, smile and do three mental cartwheels.
January 20 — February 18
Aquarians tend to view themselves as followers rather than leaders. They also move their lips when they read, caught you didn’t I. All the other signs love you and seek you out for their BFF’s. Your loyalty and regard for others property makes you unfit for public office, too bad for the rest of us. You focus on details to the annoyance of your friends who prefer the big picture. Screw them, the beauty is in the details, plus the details much easier to keep track of, due in part to your linear thinking, plus your uncontrollable copious note taking. Try cultivating the phrase “nevertheless”. Try and act with as little discrimination as possible regarding placement. Nevertheless. Nine out of ten convicted horse thieves started out as Aquarians, or was it equestrian?
February 19 — March 20
Too bad Pisces but warm and fuzzy is out of the question this month as your prevailing sun sign is off following fish on tour. So don’t expect a miracle or a grilled cheese sandwich any time in the near future. Now is a ideal time for a new hairdo, or anything follicle related. For instance, consider teasing those abnormally long nose hairs into an attractive handlebar mustache. Or better yet, procure an out of work wicker worker, that was fun, and have them crochet all those otherwise unsightly nose, eyebrow, ear and chin hairs into an attractive facial cozy. Affect a British accent, unless of course you are British, in which case the facial cozy will be sufficient.
Monthly overview of astrological influence
This month, astrologically speaking, is to your social life and the opportunity for making friends what the beehive hairdo was to cross-country bicycle racing. Allow me to explain, have you ever yelled into an electric fan and heard the way your voice becomes distorted. Of course you have, probably in the nude if you’re anything like most of my readers. Okay so what’s happening here is invisible influences, that is to say the flow of air disrupted by the blades of the fan are invisibly hacking your voice into jagged little fragments. Ordinarily you’d be clearly heard, perhaps not understood, but what with the distortion people find themselves confused by the static rather than your words. You have two options here, the first stop yelling into fans, more specifically recognize the issues that are causing static in your communications. Or you could adopt the historically French attitude, that of surrendering to pretty much any opposition that comes over the hill waving anything more menacing than a salad fork. I recommend the former especially as Jupiter and Mars align late in the month leaving more than ample opportunity to mend fences, build bridges, restore alliances, or replace shelf paper with a nice floral design instead of those annoying stripes. Patience is a virtue, as is mastering the Rubiks cube, but only patience will pay off in maintaining the status quo, which considering the placement of the stars should be viewed as a raging success. Next month, Newton’s law as it applies to playground etiquette.
This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses recommends suggests or in any other form infers actual fact. And under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making. Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.
This column is created and written by John Schneider. Mr. Schneider loves wisely but not well.