Horoscopes – June 2016

Aries

March 21 — April 19

Hi Aries, most people see you as outgoing and enthusiastic, obviously they don’t know you.  You are a self-starter and enjoy doing, but rarely planning, consequently amusing your friends with your failures.  You love animals but rarely find any of them willing to return your affection as fully.  You should seek psychiatric help, or employment as an arsonist in a rock quarry.  Avoid wet cats, fireworks and flashlights.  And most importantly don’t let your temper or your zipper get the better of you.

Taurus

April 20 — May 20

Well hello Taurus, true to your sign you are bullheaded and find it difficult if not impossible to accept advice from others.  You hate cross-stitch, crossword puzzles and plans with cross purposes.  Equally, you do not play well with others, nor do you enjoy playing by yourself.  You have an unnatural fear of dried fruit.  This stems from your childhood, and wrongfully so, as you are actually recalling someone else’s childhood.  It’s past time to overcome you prejudice.  So come on, often something raisin can exceed your expectations, try Spotted dick for instance.

Gemini

May 21 — June 21

My, my, Gemini, most Gemini fancy themselves bisexual but tend to remain celibate as their unrealistic high opinion of themselves precludes most people as partners.  Their choices in accessorizing doesn’t help much either.  I mean other people’s false teeth, really?  There isn’t a Gemini alive who doesn’t own numerous T-shirts inscribed with such clever mottos as “I’m with stupid, with accompanying arrow, my tux is at the dry cleaners, love machine, with accompanying arrow,” or my all-time favorite, in large block letters across the chest “for me to know and you to find out “.  Expect a lull in your otherwise unremarkable love life, as Venus is at present camping out in the back booth of an interplanetary Shoney’s drinking coffee and waiting for a side order of hashbrowns.  Which by the way will never arrive.  Too bad for her, but good for you as you now have the time to rethink your wardrobe and overinflated self-worth.

Cancer

June 22 — July 22

You’re a tough one to read this month Cancer, as your sign is poised directly above the southern cross, which cosmically separates you from the Western and Eastern astrological hemispheres and opposing traits.  You can appear negative and immovable to the point of anger as indicative of your hard external shell.  Then, in the next breath, generous to the point of sainthood, an indication of your inner nature.  Sadly this often leaves you worn to the point of complete inactivity which is seen by others as apathy and not the raging battle you are experiencing internally.  Explaining yourself rarely works other than to compound the situation by putting words to emotions.  Nothing funny for you Cancer.  I, when confronted with a similar situation, simply yell “30 cc stat” and run from the room turning out the light as I go. Leo July 23 — August 22, Your positive attitude will be rewarded this month as an issue from your past will be resolved, and with it the possibility of financial gain, and or an increase in social status.  How you treat this windfall will be carefully scrutinized by your remaining friends.  Remember, although you’re considered quite wise by those that seek your counsel you’re also thought of as arrogant.  Here’s a chance to think before you act, and in so doing, add some credibility to your otherwise overall questionable qualities.  Avoid hotels with numbers in their name, ice cream with sprinkles or anything else offered to you by a stranger on a stick.  Oh yes, reach out, an old friend is waiting, but for what?

Leo

July 23 — August 22

All the world loves a Virgo.  And why not, you’re an optimist often finding meaning in alphabet soup or the juxtaposed positions of potatoes in a bin.  To some this makes you crazy, to others an inspiration.  I’d go with inspiration, I’d also except creative, artistic or caring.  That last one tends to separate you from your peers as they feel somewhat inadequate in comparison.  Don’t let that bother you, but instead consider yourself a leader, although most of the time you don’t really know where you’re going.  You are well-liked but your idea of intimacy is limited, often causing you to shy away from such innocent inquiries as “good morning, how is it going, or nice day”.  “Nice day” often lends itself to complexity, especially as you tend to want to know where.

Virgo

August 23 — September 22

All the world loves a Virgo.  And why not, you’re an optimist often finding meaning in alphabet soup or the juxtaposed positions of potatoes in a bin.  To some this makes you crazy, to others an inspiration.  I’d go with inspiration, I’d also except creative, artistic or caring.  That last one tends to separate you from your peers as they feel somewhat inadequate in comparison.  Don’t let that bother you, but instead consider yourself a leader, although most of the time you don’t really know where you’re going.  You are well-liked but your idea of intimacy is limited, often causing you to shy away from such innocent inquiries as “good morning, how is it going, or nice day”.  “Nice day” often lends itself to complexity, especially as you tend to want to know where.

Libra

September 23 — October 22

Sorry Libra, success is not your middle name.  But think how weird it would be if it were.  Your incredible lack of business acumen tends to leave you amazingly happy, go figure.  This may have something to do with a secret inheritance or readjusting your meds.  In either case people see you as happy-go-lucky, even-tempered and usually good for a couple of drinks when presented with a sad story.  Both Jupiter and Venus loom large in your chart this month and provide you with a romantic opportunity, something akin to a platinum American Express card in Amsterdam.  You try hard to see the best in people, whereas a better move would be to see a good ophthalmologist.  Beware of suggestions that end with “and the horse you rode in on”.

Scorpio

October 23 — November 21

Good morning Scorpio, well in case you haven’t noticed, again Venus, like flies on birthday cake, is all over your astrological aspect.  Consequently, you tend to misconstrue your sexual prowess for good business sense, wake up dummy this is not the case.  Your sign is often considered naïve, this of course plays a contributing role in your belief you can do no wrong business wise,  wrong!  Face fax/facts, what with Virgo in dissent and both Mars and Mercury visiting relatives in the crab nebula, plus your world-renowned lack of ethics, disaster is eminent.  My advice would be to print bankruptcy documents on the backside of your documents of incorporation.  This you’ll find a real timesaver as well as one of the few positive elements in your business plan.

Sagittarius

November 22 — December 21

The archer, your sign, is right on target this month.  You have a problem with dishonesty, especially in regard to those that work with their hands, card sharks, manicurists, proctologists.  This knowledge and your general optimistic attitude will do you far more good than will a copper bracelet, crystal pendants or any other form of new age whizbang.  Mid-month expect your generosity to be questioned.  Don’t fall for this Sagittarius, you’re more than generous, in fact you’re on the edge of gullible.  Stop it, you know better, just listen to your inner voice, no, not the one whistling showtunes.  That voice is just left over from some youthful experimentation in college.  The voice you should heed is the slow steady cadence of your good sense triumphing over the half-baked opinions of others.

Capricorn

December 22 — January 19

Hi Cap, Uranus hangs precariously above your first house, and we all know what that means.  Especially those familiar with any of the end of days theories.  Like the one about white mice in space helmets deciding the fate of the universe by rock, paper, scissors.  Now is a lousy time to start taking risks, weight loss supplements, or any form of online university.  This doesn’t make you lazy, only cautious.  And for the present, caution is to be considered an investment in a stable and harmonious future.  The color red or any affiliation to the Communist Party should be banned both from your wardrobe and consideration this month.  Your lucky number, number nine, number nine, number nine.

Aquarius

January 20 — February 18

Romance in the present trumps necromancy from the past.  Simply put, the full moon this month should open your eyes to past history while not blinding you to a loving opportunity for intimacy, wink wink.  A Firesign will enhance this opportunity by directing you towards another water sign.  Be on the alert for people with containers, barrels, small sacks, buckets, large jugs.  You’ll know them when you see them.  But keep In mind it’s what’s in the container rather than the container itself that will prove most valuable.  Reading aloud will endear you to others, but listing a career in elder care is never advisable as part of your dating profile.

Pisces

February 19 — March 20

Well hello Pisces.  By now you’ve discovered gravity is not only fickle but petulant as well.  [Thanks Vocabulary Builder], consider Narcissus, now here’s a guy who bought into his own press.  Granted you have talent but your sensitivity towards ridicule has prevented you, to this point, from seeking out education to go with it.  Most Pisces find themselves to be legends in their own mind.  Your ability to fabricate excuses rather than create ideas made tangible, borders on historical.  Your friends consider you the tiniest cog in the works, often requiring lubrication of one sort or the other to get you to perform at all.  Seek structure through formal education, or learn by your mistakes, but for crying out loud, not the same mistakes over and over and over.

Monthly overview of astrological influence

It’s always been my opinion that a university education is indispensable.  I myself attended many, [questionable punctuation] years ago.  At that time there was no history department as the world was so new we had not had time to create any.  My favorite course, hunter gatherer 101, as you can imagine was pass/fail, you don’t pass, you die.  Hence the absence of Cro-Magnon man during finals.  But back to the astrological influences, and what you need to know for the present is, fire signs rule.  You know who you are, if not, Aries, Leo, Sagittarius , Chico and maybe Harpo.  As their aspects loom large in the southern night sky expect water to run uphill, clocks to run backwards, unsightly facial warts to migrate, and general mayhem worldwide in unisex public restrooms.  The purchase of a bow tie, no matter how colorful, will not prevent these effects.  Perhaps a nice box lunch, and a day trip to the seashore might, but as no one seems to have the time I suspect we’re all doomed.  Not that being doomed is necessarily all bad.  After all if you’re having a bad day it does give you something to look forward to.  If nothing else, it certainly puts a misdemeanor ticket for jaywalking into perspective.  Even though, in your own defense you were crossing the street to purchase an artificial limb in hopes of winning a three-legged race.  Also avoid sodium as well as contact with anyone in the Marine transport industry as both can ruin your taste buds.

This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses recommends suggests or in any other form infers actual fact.  And under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making.  Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.

This column is created and written by John Schneider.  Mr. Schneider will not answer to Johnny boy.

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Nicholas Corea is the owner and editor of the Bocas Breeze. He wasn't born in Bocas, but he got there as fast as he could. Just one of the many foreigners who became enamored with the enchantment of the islands, his mission is to share the majesty of Bocas del Toro with the world. Nicholas aka Nico, has been known to love literature and live music concerts. Nothing makes him happier than when others are interested in this entertaining and informative community newspaper. Mr. Corea would like to send his gratitude to all who read and support the Bocas Breeze; for it takes a village to publish a community newspaper!

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