March 21 — April 19
Living in the moment and off street parking may not be your best investment time-wise this month. The “in the moment” thing: first is difficult, and second often depressing, especially considering your spontaneous and generally buoyant nature. I tried it once and all I got was weary from regret and paranoid from anticipation. But that’s just me- perhaps you’ll have better luck, although the stars say no. And the off street parking thing, that’s just metaphor based on the story of Damien and Pythias, the alternate ending. Just forget that and instead enjoy the opportunities a Scorpio will present to you on the cusp of the full moon. Don’t be pressured, but be open as with Venus in Ascension or the fun is just about to begin.
April 20 — May 20
Attention Taurus: it’s time to dig in your hooves as very soon your resolve will be sorely tested. And without being and acting immovable a disaster of Trump-sized portion could be yours. And trust me this is not “The Price is Right.” If you falter there will not be a T-shirt and a copy of the home game, no sir. Be especially wary of a Sagittarius making you an offer you cannot understand, and extra extra wary of anyone using the phrases “you can’t lose, deal of the decade, or on my mother’s eyes”. Utilize your free time by working on your sincerity (even if lying is required). Remember: people only hear what they want to hear- except at rock concerts where no one hears anything until the next day around noon. Surrender Dorothy, and your little dog too. Your lucky number: 3. Again, I know, what are the odds?
May 21 — June 21
Hey there Gemini, well after last month’s epiphany your Pisces partner and you should be in great shape both financially and physically. Who knew a banana could be your best friend, and a groovy additive to an otherwise unbalanced breakfast. But let’s talk future: looking good. Especially regarding a large purchase, as your secondary sun sign Mammon is presently in Pluto’s first house. You know the one with the big backyard, plenty of room for a garden and just two blocks from a good public school. Just remember, nothing is free and even though you’re feeling flush, without doing your research/homework you could end up being flushed. Success is on your side but only if you show it respect by practicing your due diligence.
June 22 — July 22
Hi Cancer, for the present expect to be easily annoyed. I just said “hi cancer,” and already you’re annoyed. Am I good or what? For the next week or two don’t look for an easy time of it, as the power of Uranus will be eclipsed by a really spectacular full moon, and I say spectacular, check it out and have your cameras ready. With Pluto rising and both Mickey and Minnie completely out of the picture, no purchase greater than gum is advisable, and that should be by the stick if possible. Guard your wealth and your seed (gardening reference) until mid-June or expect them to be wasted in ways that can only bring sorrow or worse yet- root rot. Seriously cancer, your smart moves at present are more sleep and less spending. Lucky numbers, B 17, I 11, O 21, but don’t count on it.
July 23 — August 22
When a couple gets pregnant, people always touch the belly of the mother and offer congratulations, whereas the other member in this event rarely gets a second thought, much less a pat on the head, so to speak. Right now you’re probably feeling as if you’re taking an ice cold self pity Jacuzzi. Not surprising either as Mercury Mars and what feels like the defensive line of the Broncos are doing their best to stomp the self-assurance right out of you. However, and you may find this advice hard, but: be of good cheer as although your efforts, at present go unappreciated, in the future will be considered pivotal to the success of a community project or social event.
August 23 — September 22
Hi Virgo, like listening for the sound of one hand clapping, or asking for an amen in an empty church, you may find the response you are seeking is not forthcoming. However, with a little introspection it’s more than likely you’ll discover the answers you’re looking for are already clearly available in your consciousness. Be on the lookout for a relatively young sun sign whom, without a doubt, is shiny you on this month. Don’t be confused, all that glitters is not gold, and there is certainly a substantial difference between a cow pie and a lemon meringue. Your moon is in Pisces, and although you may be dazzled by its brightness, wisdom and past experience should prevail, allowing you to reflect on a similar quandary, but this time: choose correctly.
September 23 — October 22
Buckle up Libra, your ability to remain balanced will be tested this month as Jupiter and Mars align, in turn pulling Venus and all her party hearty girlfriends with her to your house astrologically speaking, or place of business physically speaking. Take heed Libra, there’s no room for a spontaneous fix here. What I’m saying is prepare now or regret later. Sharp objects or sensitive documents are more then capable of bringing you down, physically sure, but financially, yikes. Double yikes if romance is involved. Remember: follow your head, not your heart, promises made will be quickly mislaid, along with your wallet and car keys. And by the way- you don’t own a car.
October 23 — November 21
With the new moon arcing high in the summer sky, look for a corresponding arc of your own. This may cause your clothes to become uncomfortable. Fight the urge to discard them as they are indispensable should you visit a laundromat, Chinese market or nudist colony in bizarro world. The moon arcing, this could be metaphorical, or a parable (I always get them confused), an acronym never, but the other two nearly every morning with my cereal. My point, as romance is your stock and trade this arc is undoubtedly physical verses intellectual and will more than likely manifest itself with a Taurus, Ram, Pisces, Gemini or anyone with diminished capacity. Shame on you Scorpio. For once can you just enjoy a nice moon arc. There’s more to you than Scorpio; so be patient, exercise restraint and let a Virgo show you the way.
November 22 — December 21
Only three of all the world’s leaders have been Sagittarians. Although no one knows who they are due to their secretive nature. You, Sagittarius, find it difficult to be open with others. This month, judging from both the zodiac, your Chi chart, and what I heard one preteen whispered to another at a slumber party, I later discovered I was not invited to: you’re doomed. Okay, technically not doomed, but certainly poised at the top of what could be a greased razor blade sliding board, terminating in a cauldron of saltwater. Ouch! But in this case, influences and alliances are what make a horse race, which turns the previous sentence into a walk in the park. The eyes have it, both physically and metaphorically, so look around as the brightest light in the chandelier will lead you to relative safety, and in time a new found openness. Good luck Sags, this could be the big one.
December 22 — January 19
Like a blind cat passing a seafood store, you have a strong sense that something wonderful is out there just waiting to happen. And what’s more. the zodiac completely agrees right down to the tiny tip of Orion’s sword. And you know what they say about Orion’s sword, plus have you seen the size of his sandals? You know the old saying, “big feet, big opportunity”. The important points other than Orion’s sword are as follows: Gemini is in your first house, and judging from the amount of baggage, she’s looking to move in for an extended period of time. This is good news, as with her comes abundance. Now what to do while waiting… Consider the lilies of the field, or perhaps what to do with the abundance of lint you already have collected from abandoned dryers left by the side of the road. Both can be productive but I’d recommend a good review of your personal hygiene, with an eye towards improvement.
January 20 — February 18
Okay Aquarius, this month diligence should be the compass used to direct you to success and not necessarily perseverance. For this month your trials will be mental rather than physical. This doesn’t negate needing a hat, tweezers, or any of the other paraphernalia usually associated with tattoo artistry. Just recently you made a discovery, which in turn reminded you of a passage from the book of Dalmatians, or was it amphibians, in either case chapter 3 verse six which reads, “never trust anyone whose business card states “I will mount anything,” even if they are a taxidermist. Lucky number three to the sixth power. Luck color: blue (except regarding food).
February 19 — March 20
A dwarf is accidentally, but forcefully pulled into the rear stage door of a theater by an overzealous stage manager with severe cataracts. The stage manager mistakenly was thinking that the dwarf is the bottom half of the second act magician’s “sawing a lady in half trick.” Now the dwarf having a disability of his own doesn’t want to make the stage manager feel any worse about his mistake, so he puts on his portion of the costume and waits to see what will happen next. To his great surprise and pleasure the top half of the costume turns out to be occupied by a rather attractive lady dwarf of approximately the same age and physical stature as he. The act flopped but the relationship flowered. Venus is rising and will play a prominent role in your romantic life for the next six weeks. Beware- Jupiter and Mars are in retrograde period. Practice patience and compassion; a small mistake could provide a huge reward.
Monthly overview of astrological influence
Minnesota Fats, the brilliant and rotund pocket billiards master once said “skills are great, but I’d rather be lucky”. And this month based with an impossible combination of influences, luck is nearly our only option. Mars Venus and Mercury are all in alignment and playing havoc with water signs everywhere. Plus it’s an election year. The last time this happened I was a young man and had the excellent good fortune to be dating an older Chinese woman, who in her great kindness had picked me up literally off the streets of the tenderloin district in San Francisco. She spoke not a word of English, and I nearly equal in Cantonese. So it came to pass that our soul manner of communication was through hand gestures. Her name sounded like what a sack of silverware being thrown down a flight of stairs would. I simply called her sweet and sour chicken, this seemed to do, and we lived happily together for nearly 2 months. One evening I returned to her apartment to discover all my possessions, meager as they were, strewn as if by an evil wind out side her front door. I knocked and while waiting gathered my few rags, a worn toothbrush and a plastic container which had once held soap. The door opened fully, and there stood my lovely lotus flower in her red kimono. By her side looking up at me was a large, obviously ancient cat I had never seen before, eyeing me with contempt. “You go now”, she said in perfect English, as if practiced all day just waiting for my return. Then she turned and walked down the long hallway into the afternoon light, which shown like the promise of a better day from her bedroom. I was stunned, motionless, the cat continued to glare at me, then finally opened its mouth, for the purpose I assumed of making some catlike sound. But instead drew back its lips exposing black gums and needle like yellow fangs, then in perfect English, in a voice I later discovered was James Earl Jones said “shove off sucker”. Then it turned, and with one great push of its hind leg kick the door shut in my astounded face. Later that night I was arrested for vacancy, and three days later found myself picking lettuce on a small farm with no precise clue as to how I got there. My point here, much is not as it seems cosmically speaking, so tread lightly, drink moderately, and think carefully before you speak, or embark on any foreign adventure.
This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses recommends suggests or in any other form infers actual fact. And under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making. Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.
This column is created and written by John Schneider. Mr. Schneider will not answer to Johnny boy.