January Horoscopes

Capricorn
December 22 — January 19
Sorry Capricorn, but right now your position in the universe is about as useful as, useful as, useful as, a writer without a metaphor. Any influence you may have this month will be through liaison either public or private with a high ranking Cancer or crooked policeman.

Aquarius
January 20 — February 18
Time flies like an arrow and fruit flies like a banana. Rejoice Aquarius, it is not too late to see a doctor, but be prepared to tell all (even the part about the Shetland pony and the Nixon mask). The truth will set you free, and a course of penicillin should do the rest. For now dried fruit could be your best friend.

Pisces
February 19 — March 20
Dear Pisces, dear sweet dumb Pisces. Did you really think new clothes would eclipse your miserable attitude. The problem is inside you and can’t be fixed with doodads or laxatives, not even with the help of a rhyming dictionary. Open yourself up to others, you may not get what you expect, but honestly at your age isn’t any good.

Aries
March 21 — April 19
Congratulations Aires, this is your opportunity to live large. At this time all the other signs are jealous of you. You can see it in their eyes, their sad little non-Aries eyes, just look at them, jealous, jealous, jealous. For now the world is your oyster, so load up on horseradish and saltines, and don’t forget the government cheese.

Taurus
April 20 — May 20
Shy away from closed minds and tight places this month, neither one will help you seek your goal. Download a map of Manhattan, go to the airport and use it to direct tourists to nonexistent locations on the island. Use a word you don’t know in a sentence. An example might be, “he never leaves the house, and therefore he suffers from homeostasis”.

Gemini
May 21 — June 21
Now is a great time to try and reestablish a friendship with someone, preferably a living someone. Don’t be surprised if their standoffish at first, after all you did promise to call. But you didn’t, and instead you decided to hit on their sister behind their back. You idiot, sisters talk, and besides, there was no way you were getting that anyhow.

Cancer
June 22 — July 22
Hello Cancer, how is it going? Don’t answer that, I already know. This month you feel like the fluffer at the National Stud. Everyone around you seems to be having much more fun than you. But what you see could be misleading. Try looking below the surface; I think you’ll be happily surprised.

Leo
July 23 — August 22
OK Leo now is time to come to grips with your fear of children, whiny, sticky, grubby little children. Try making friends by allowing them to hunt for Chiclets in your pants pockets, or better yet, your mouth. Can’t you just feel your fear melting away as their little wet hands root around in your mouth? I know I do.

Virgo
August 23 — September 22
Oh Virgo, things are as bad as they seem, it’s time to accept the inevitable. Your life, your relationships, and even your financial situation are really bad. But be of good cheer, it’s not too late to seek professional help. The professions I recommend are moving companies and purveyors of airline tickets. Give up, move on, and don’t look back.

Libra
September 23 — October 22
Now is the time to stop procrastinating, okay tomorrow is also a good day to stop procrastinating. But you get the point. The perfect job awaits you, but first you need to get your universal house in order. That’s a hint regarding your personal hygiene. Get a mirror, use it. Nose hair is not as cool as you might think.

Scorpio
October 23 — November 21
Less is more, especially regarding that cheesy perfume you wear. Seriously, who knew bygone was in the fragrance business. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg where your social issues begin. So stop talking down to people, if you’re smart let them discover it in time. Good things come to those that wait.

Sagittarius
November 22 — December 21
Well Sagittarius, looks like you’re still going strong in your supporting role as astrological wingmen. Your contributions may not be immediately recognized by your friends, but rest assured your reward is on the way. Start a religion centered around dry-cleaning, then sit back and watch the fun.

Monthly overview of astrological influences
The parties are at Aries house this month, and doesn’t she deserve it. It’s been nearly a year since Aries has worked her way up to the top of the celestial food chain. And right now she’s living large. Her boyfriend Mars has rented a car, and not just any car, a red Mustang convertible. Can you believe it? And next weekend he’s driving her up to the Cape where he’s rented a sweet little cottage on the grounds of a bed and breakfast. Of course she doesn’t know any of this yet. And besides she’s too busy with shopping and partying to pay much attention. Expect Aries to reigns supreme for the next week or two. Then watch out, because when Mars is done with Aries sweet little celestial body, her influence will disappear, as quickly as a Cowboys promise of respect, Sunday morning, after a honky-tonk Saturday night.

This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses, recommends, suggests, or in any other form infers actual fact. And under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making. Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.

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