March 21 — April 19,
Your friends may seem to have forgotten you this month, and with good reason. Listing your Facebook status as deceased , although appropriate in the afterlife may be considered bad form in the here and now. Start saving string, and when speaking aloud refer to yourself as we. Your lucky number this month, pi to the third power.
April 20 — May 20
Hello Taurus, and welcome back to reality, and with it the truth about your miserable failure regarding those unrealistic New Year’s resolutions. Tap and jazz lessons, what were you thinking? Obviously nothing about gainful employment or a productive lifestyle, again! Stop, rethink, and proceed slowly, there’s still hope.
May 21 — June 21
Hi Gemini, how is it going with that fantasy romance that’s been bouncing around in your head since New Year’s Day. It’s time to get some skin in the game, right now is an ideal time to overcome your shyness and act on your impulse for intimacy. If you don’t someone else will, and soon.
June 22 — July 22
Cancer please, no one’s buying that raggedy ass sarong and blond wig routine. It’s time to redirect your anger towards your mother. Take it, roll it into a ball, force it down into your unhappy place, and allow it out only in the form of misdirected drunken rage. Start an alphabet support group. Substitute the phrase “buga–buga” for hello whenever possible.
July 23 — August 22
Some people take responsibility, others are given responsibility which are you? Make a decision and stick to it, the payoff could be huge, and I’m talking J. Holmes huge…Which reminds me, you may find yourself in ascension without obvious cause. Avoid parks, schools and public restrooms.
August 23 — September 22
If you were smart you took my advice from last month and split. Good move, you’ve left debt, anger, and uncertainty behind. This may be your last chance to get it right, so focus on cleanliness, and personal details, the more anal the better. P.S. Less drinking more thinking. Lucky number this month I-95
September 23 — October 22
Someone in the literary field has it out for you. And not in a good way like the boys down at the Turkish bath. This person has been misinformed, but it falls to you to try and repair any misunderstandings you may have had with this local scribe. Avoid Frenchmen in any form.
October 23 — November 21
Go into to a Chinese grocery you don’t ordinarily frequent and ask for credit, then watch the fun. A Gemini you know well is about to blow off an opportunity for romance, when they do step in and take a shot. Use a cash machine, and as you remove your money yell “I won again”. Avoid clichés and catchphrases 24/7.
November 22 — December 21
Congratulations Sagittarius, your patience is paying off with new friends and opportunities. Choose carefully, some things can’t be washed off no matter how hard you scrub. Look for a Libra with a limp, they’re uneven gait could lead you to financial success. Avoid bookstore owners who twitch, and most definitely their associates.
December 22 — January 19
This month astrology could be your best friend. There are powerful influences all around you, so heed the stars, especially Steven Seagal. Just for a moment consider this theatrical frog, here he is making his third or maybe fourth comeback, and he hasn’t even had a career yet. Try putting that in perspective regarding your own life, then take a nap.
January 20 — February 18
Hey Aquarius, keep in mind you don’t always need a plane to be in Florence by midnight. Let your natural wit and charm supersede your intellect; someone finds you intriguing and even more so when you keep it light. Buy something white and share it with a friend.
February 19 — March 20
OK Pisces, you took a chance. Admittedly it didn’t work out as you had hoped, but what about that hot chick at the pharmacy. Did you see the way she looked at you when you asked for those things? I mean, come on, nobody smiles that hard unless they’re into you. So keep plugging away, this is your time, both physically and literally, so rejoice and remember there are still lots of opportunity and pharmacies to choose from.
Monthly overview of astrological influences
This month it’s either feast or famine for the signs of the zodiac. In fact if you check your chart, or better yet look up, you’ll see the planets and their influences are equally divided between the strong and the weak. Taurus, for instance, is so far out of the celestial loop this month he doesn’t even flinch when told his mother-in-law is arriving for an unscheduled visit. And get this, the woman brings four huge suitcases, which poor Taurus is expected to hike up the two flights of stairs to the apartment, which by the way he already knows she will not approve of. But there is some good astrologically speaking to be gleaned out of the cosmos this month. For instance, anyone involved in a relationship with a Scorpio, Cancer or Libra can look forward to a serious growth spurt emotionally or romantically speaking. However if you’re not presently in a relationship this is not a good opportunity to begin one. From chaos comes order, so be patient and remember, sometimes life hands you a bag of worms, this could be a good time to go fishing. Beware of moon signs. Employees must wash hands. I think you know what I mean.
This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses recommends suggests or in any other form infers actual fact. And under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making. Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.
This column is created and written by John Schneider. Mr. Schneider is frequently overmedicated and has been known to bark at taxis.