March 21 — April 19
Where’s the beef, or more specifically where is the credit for all the hard work you’ve been putting in for the last month? I’m sorry to say Aries but any credit due you will not be forthcoming. In fact, for the present you should consider yourself lucky to get a sniff as the banquet of success/credit is wheeled right past you. But take heart, lack of credit doesn’t negate self-worth. And that alone will have to do for the present. “Keep the faith baby” this advice works extremely well if you happen to be a dyslexic named Faith, and are considering putting a child up for adoption.
April 20 — May 20
To quote the Beatles “Good day sun sign”, or was it sunshine? In any case, align yourself with a sun sign and expect an abundance of groovy to come your way. You know man, like wow, seriously dude, an abundance of groovy. Now what to do with your newfound groovy-ness? If the planets are any indication, and you know they are, I’d say plan a trip, no man, seriously a trip, you know pack bags, passport, all that nonsense. Point A to point B, maybe even point C. But don’t miss this opportunity for travel as it is unlikely to present itself again in the near future. Way to go, here is your new mantra “no shoes, not snow shoes”.
May 21 — June 21
There is an old saying, “when a door closes a window opens”, also “no shoes, no shirt, no service”. For the present clichés will do you no good. It’s time for original thinking, or at the very least a better quality cliché. Jupiter is the primary influence on you and all the moon signs with which you have contact. This means face value judgments are not advised at present. Consider everything you do, or propose, with concern for long-term problems down the road; specifically, marriage, or any acquisition which involves carbon-based life forms that you cannot sell off the mineral rights to. What to do, that’s easy, look towards Venus. Until late summer she resides low in the night sky and offers an even and steady influence towards reserve and introspection.
June 22 — July 22
Nothing succeeds like success, just look at GM or big tobacco. Where else but in these unstoppable juggernaut’s of industry could human lives be reduced to a dollars and cents figure with no more thought than the time it takes to hit the equal sign on a calculator for a payout in a wrongful death suit. Sorry I thought this was the op-ed column. What I meant was hi Cancer, gee whiz you’re looking good, and feeling even better. And why not, the relationship you’re in is blooming like a big boy tomato plant – Which by the way will end up producing fruit, lots of fruit. Perhaps two plants would have been enough rather than six because they were on sale. But live and learn, providing you don’t die of tomato poisoning in the meantime. After all you do know they’re in the night Shade family.
July 23 — August 22
Most Leos are gifted with good looks as well as charm, but remember both of these attributes are only skin deep, so bear this in mind if one appears on your romantic radar. However, if it’s hit and run your after then nothing suits the short term romantic bill better than a Leo lover. I remember this one time, but I digress, and as you know the planets wait for no one. So if you’re a Leo and are considering something more long-term than a romantic dinner and a quick tumble at inspiration point then you better be prepared for brutal honesty with your partner or better still seriously consider changing your ways. Sorry Leo but the universe has nothing funny to hang on your otherwise good-looking frame for now.
August 23 — September 22
Hi Virgo, this month you’ve got it all, sunshine during the day, moonshine in the evening and monkey shines after midnight. Authors note, in this particular context monkey shines refers to endeavors of a risqué nature and nothing to do with the indigenous prehensile population; although I have heard that under certain circumstances. With your sun sign at its zenith a rare opportunity for you to perform a generous act will be made clear. And trust me; you’ll know it when you see it. Generally you tend to act in a reserved manner where money matters are concerned. Regarding this opportunity, this is not the time for stinginess or introspection. If you’ve got it give it, the return may not be immediately apparent, but the cosmos knows what it’s doing. So for this one time in your otherwise timid life, open your wallet, a vain, or path for another in need.
September 23 — October 22
A sense of discontent seems to be following you like a stray dog might if you had a pork chop hanging out of your back pocket. Discontentment often comes from disappointment or uncertainty, sometimes about an act you committed, and other times about uncertainty of actions in the future. I personally subscribe to the high functioning sociopath school of action. That is to say or do anything which will continue to keep me in the good graces of others, while secretly crashing ahead with my own ill-conceived idea of what might make me happy. But that’s just me. Now just between you and the stars, what with Mercury in retrograde and a trusted Taurus friend rummaging through your emotional underwear drawer things are tough but not impossible. There is great strength in you Libra, and if you keep a cool head and stay the course your sense of honesty and desire for balance will set all things right.
October 23 — November 21
Well there you go again Scorpio, leading with your libido instead of your God given good sense. Of course it’s no surprise as your sign is prone to excess, grandiose gestures, and unnecessary flatus in enclosed spaces. I’d like to say you’re forgiven, and on my part you are. But the universe has something else in mind again. The stars aren’t specific, but at present fire signs abound and with them the scrutiny of authority. I’m not saying you own a car, and I’m certainly not recommending you clean out the trunk, and the glove compartment, and while you are at it, pullout any carpets that might contain trace evidence from an ancient indiscretion nearly all but the next of kin have forgotten. The heat’s on Scorpio, and as Bob Dylan said “you’re gonna need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows”.
November 22 — December 21
Hi Sagittarius. Of course you know who you are, you’re the one your friends consider enthusiastic, optimistic, a joy to be with, and of course the life of the party. Basically you’re disgusting, and a burden on the fragile egos of all you consider to be friends. Come on Sagittarius cut your friends a break and try playing aloof for a bit. Not forever, but just long enough so that your friends forget how difficult it is to be around you for more than 30 minutes without undertaking the possibilities of at least the first half of a murder suicide pact. There is an old joke that asks the question “what’s the best way to visit a Sagittarius,” the answer, “by telescope”.
December 22 — January 19
OK Capricorn, and of course Capricornets, also known as the lucky few who are actually women rather than just incredibly effeminate men. By mid-moon cycle this month Mars will have reached its most powerful influence. Expect cracks in your generally austere nature, and don’t be surprised if people who normally think of you as restrictive anally find you, if not downright attractive, at least marginally acceptable. It’s a well-known fact that most Britons and all Capricorns consider themselves as stoic, when in fact they are all just uncomfortable. Take a chance, break out of your mold, seize the day, or just take a hold of yourself socially and get into the game. Your lucky number-prime +1.
January 20 — February 18
Hubba hubba Aquarius, it looks like the irresistible power of Venus is turning you into the next sexual secret Santa of the zodiac. You are doubly blessed this month in that if you do not have someone to share your desires with, those same energies supplied by Venus can be refocused for any project of your choosing of a less physical nature. Remember even though your appetite is great and your desire is strong, you are only human. So act accordingly, and remember the old sign at the beginning of the mess hall line which reads, “take all you want, but eat all you take”.
February 19 — March 20
Those of you born under the constellation Pisces often feel as if they would’ve been better off born under a freeway overpass. Undoubtedly there have been many Pisces who were great thinkers, artists, and perhaps to a lesser degree black American presidents, but at the moment none come to mind. My advice and that of the universe as well is not to be too hard on yourself. I mean after all, why beat yourself up when the rest of the universe is standing in line for the opportunity. But, you’re undoubtedly saying to yourself, I’m a good person, so why does the world have it in for little me? Wow, that is a big but, and so are you, now Pisces get ready for the big answer. You deserve it, what, why, well think about it, your insane lack of self-confidence has forced even the least aggressive life forms to form an immediate animosity towards you. It’s simple Yen Yang theory. So stop thinking poor me, and start thinking get the hell out of my way, bad ass Pisces coming through.
For the vast majority May is a pivotal month that allows some to succeed and others to see their failures in a more clearly defined light. There’s a story about a kid who gets a pony and everyone says he’s lucky, then he breaks his leg falling off the pony and everyone says he’s unlucky, and then a war breaks out and everyone is conscripted but him because he has a bad leg, and then everyone says he’s lucky again. Get the point? Come on give me a break, of course you do. The universe at present is nearly perfectly matched with positive and negative energies and anyone with an eye to see will know that the negative will allow perspective towards the positive, and of course vice versa. Here’s the deal in a nutshell, don’t look for major change, things at the moment are rarely more perfect, enjoy and reflect. Peace out.
This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses, recommends, suggests or in any other form infers actual fact. And under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making. Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.
This column is created and written by John Schneider. Mr. Schneider is in the present, temporarily.