Monthly Horoscopes – April 2013

Aries – March 21 – April 19 –
You may find yourself doubting the loyalty of your friends regarding information you unwisely shared. Look towards mending fences rather than leaping over them to escape what you see as their confining nature. Don’t forget your animal friends, remember “To air is human, to forgive is canine”.

Taurus
April 20 — May 20
Taurus, Taurus, Taurus, you may feel as if the cosmos is treating you like a child, well it is. And you deserve it, it’s time, no actually it’s past time for you to put down your toys and pick up a focused desire to succeed. Look around, opportunities abound if only you’ll focus and apply yourself. Expect sad news from a distant friend; try not to over think it regarding your present situation. In this case knowing the past is not preventive maintenance for the future.

Gemini
May 21 — June 21
Hair gel and flattery will help you slide into an intimate relationship that’s been several months in the making. Be honest if possible, but if not, be enthusiastic. Write nothing down that may come back to bite you should this new found love falter. Don’t buy cheap socks. Go to the beach and look for a small rock that you think best reflects your personality. Take it home, wash it thoroughly and hide it someplace you’ll forget like every other stray you’ve taken home.

Cancer
June 22 — July 22
Congratulations Cancer, you’ve taken my suggestions to heart, lost the wig and rethought your mommy issues. Now you are surely on the road to recovery with only some minor roadblocks, standing between you and what passes for marginal emotional stability. For you this is real progress. Now seek out someone with a nervous tic and give it a Prozac.

Leo
July 23 — August 22
Good for you Leo, your better judgment led you to that sweet little Pisces instead of that hopeless schizophrenic, Gemini wise. Face it Leo you’re not young anymore, hopefully with age comes wisdom, or at least a discount at Super Gourmet. Now is the time to see the future in a positive way, rather than like a train bearing down on your fragile existence. Remember, what you’ve lost is nothing in comparison to what you’ve gained.

Virgo
August 23 — September 22
Lose the fear, and step away from those with it. You’re attempting a sport you are too old , and perhaps poor to pursue. A trade you learned in your youth will serve you well at this time. Someone in the shadows is waiting to help you, but before you can find them you’ll need to shine the light of discovery on yourself. For now, cultivate a fear of flies, what’s behind them could be deadly.

Libra
September 23 — October 22
Hey Libra, when dining out, consider using elaborate hand gestures and a shrill tone. Also always ask if they validate parking. Use the word classic to show others how sophisticated your knowledge of history is. An example might be “classic Three Stooges or classic Bocas”, or is that redundant? Hopefully you’ve learned your lesson about keeping secrets, now don’t forget it. Remember, that was the lesson, and the test is on the way.

Scorpio
October 23 — November 21
Sorry Scorpio, I seriously miss read the stars last month. My advice regarding the Chinese grocery could not have been more off the mark. Fortunately to them we all look alike, so there shouldn’t be any long lasting repercussions. But just to be safe, I’d say Super G. might be a good shopping bet for the next week. Keep track of your change, some comes from without, and the rest from within.

Sagittarius
November 22 — December 21
Keep your pants on Sagittarius, both literally and figuratively this month. I told you before and it’s still true, patience will provide what your abilities cannot. Don’t forget that Libra with the limp, relaxing your resistance may allow them unfair advantage, remain receptive but aloof until their true intentions are revealed.

Capricorn
December 22 — January 19
Buckle up Capricorn, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. You made an investment a while back. You thought it would be romantic, and now it’s turned financial, or was it the other way around. In either case, each day you wait to resolve this situation, it will become more difficult. Some form of amputation is imminent, fortunately, it’s up to you who holds the knife. Act now!

Aquarius
January 20 — February 18
Your best friends seemed to be out of sync with you, astrologically speaking. But don’t worry, they, like that rash, will be back before you know it. Treat one aggressively, and the other with love, understanding and the occasional home cooked meal. Yum Yum. Snow White for homecoming queen, vote and vote often.

Pisces
February 19 — March 20
Looking for change begs the question, does observation change outcome? Watch for the next full moon, no dummy, not while you’re walking. I mean what kind of an idiot does that while walking, especially in Bocas? Right now you’re feeling lonely. Just be cool and look for a shy water sign, you’ll be making waves in no time. Kilroy was here. Jerky good.

Monthly overview of astrological influences
With spring fast approaching, the astrological signs, like so many Easter bunnies, begin to circle closer and closer to each other. As I mentioned last month, Venus is on the rise, and this old gal is now nearly at her zenith, and trust me, she knows how to party like a druid. Her rockstar diva influence, plus the decreasing orbits of her buds, Sagittarius, Scorpio, and the rest, set the scene for potential unbridled whoopee here on earth. And I’m talking jungle fever; lock up your daughters, monkey love and worse. And I can promise you, and you can mark my words, the stars affect us all, animals included. So don’t be the least surprised if you happen to walk out your front door and find it necessary to step over your dog and cat lying together sharing an exhausted look and a cigarette. And God help you if you should have parrots, as if the squawking and the molting weren’t enough. They talk through the whole thing, and such language, what the hell is a spread eagle beak job anyway? They’re like Henry Miller with feathers, dear God it’s embarrassing.

This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses recommends suggests or in any other form infers actual fact. And under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making. Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.

This column is created and written by John Schneider. Mr. Schneider has been down so long it seems like up to him.

Printed monthly in both English and Spanish with a circulation of 5,000 free copies distributed at airports, hotels, restaurants and various retail locations throughout Bocas del Toro, Panama City, David, Boquete and Costa Rica. Also published on the Internet on a daily basis.

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