March 21 — April 19
Hi Aries, as you know, if you know anything at all, is that it’s in your nature to be a self starter, to take the bull by the horns so to speak. Well, this month that old adage will be particularly accurate, so prepare yourself to be handling something hard that ordinarily you
could take on with no difficulty. Your uncertainty regarding this issue comes from a lack of support from friends and finances. This condition will be short-lived, but don’t wait to deal with the problem at hand. You have the skills and flexibility to take on whatever is
handed you on your own. A hair cut may help, or at least distract you long enough to reconsider your past experiences and then clearly define your next move. Neatness also counts, it’s like six points on your SATs. Now don’t get me wrong, good grooming is no
substitute for clear thinking. Like they say in China “just because you wash your junk is no reason to assume you’ll get your yen.”
April 20 — May 20
A duck, a rabbi and a Republican walk into a bar, unlikely. Equally unlikely are your chances for longevity in the relationship you’re presently so excited about. Dear Lord Taurus, excited, get a grip, what you are doing is tantamount to a forty something midlife crisis.
Do yourself and your unlikely significant other a favor, hit the bricks, go shopping, take a trip, and oh, absolutely under no circumstances make any large purchases. Think of this as a caddy cornered secret Santa situation. What I mean by that is, there is a $20
maximum on any self gifting you might do for the foreseeable future. Now don’t feel bad, you’re entitled to your feelings, in fact they’re absolutely normal at this time of year, especially considering the locations of Uranus, your primary ruling planet. What isn’t normal is
your utter lack of discernment, recent relationship wise, sweet Maria, my friend, are you blind or perhaps your entire home is illuminated solely by a half dozen birthday candles? Sorry Taurus, but relationship wise for the present your best move is anywhere but here,
except of course the post office or the DMV.
May 21 — June 21
Whoops, sorry Gemini, in November’s reading I predicted several shades of gloom and doom lasting months into the future, well the joke’s on me. As it turned out I was holding your chart upside down, these things sometimes happen. Hopefully you didn’t sell all
your stock, throw away your shoes and decide to live in a tree until the predicted Armageddon arrived. I’m happy to report that things are certainly not all as previously reported. But instead this month and the next show nothing but positive indications for a substantial
return on an investment. I know that’s a little vague, but after my screwup last month I’m a little bit hesitant to be too specific regarding what’s what astrologically speaking. But here’s what I can tell you. First, Venus is rising, and fast on her hot little heels Neptune
followed by Mars. What this means in the short run, expect to meet a free spirit, probably a swimmer/surfer or someone into some other form of water sports. Your verbal exchanges may seem slightly combative but they are actually playful sparring/flirting. If you will
only loosen up one or two of your overly rigid views on romance you could be in for the time of your life. My advice, “we’re here for a good time, not a long time”, embrace the universe, nothing lasts forever.
June 22 — July 22
Hello cancer, this month nothing short of rigor mortis can keep you from enjoying all the love you feel both from within and without. And why not, your moon is in Pisces, in fact ask any Pisces how they feel about your moon. I’ll bet my last romantic misconception
they will tell you exactly how happy they are about your moon. Happy happy, Mercury continues to influence not only your financial well-being, but your mental health as well. Weird isn’t it, Mercury, shape shifting, shiny, ever in motion, never stable. And yet
exerting clear calming thoughts allowing you to guide your life and your finances in a positive way. It is known cancers like to make promises, beware of this practice. For the present give of your time, your advice and even your money, but forgo any prom ises that
may diminish your primary goal, at least for the perceivable future.
July 23 — August 22
My first prom was memorable for the amazing transformation of my high school gymnasium into an undersea’s Wonderland. Also memorable for the band which actually, supposedly had the brother of an original member of one of Little Richard’s backup singers,
although this was a bit confusing. But most memorable for the accidental opportunity to be chosen prom king. Not by virtue of my popularity, but instead through a sadistic turn of events orchestrated by a member of the prom king/queen selection committee. The
details are unimportant, but what is , was the way I felt regarding this awkward and unlikely opportunity. Worthy, weird word, right, infers you have in some way earned a special right or privilege. Here’s the deal Leo, very soon, like it or not, a weighty responsibility
will be placed upon you. And like stink on a mackerel, this responsibility is unavoidable. Here’s where your sign’s true attributes shine through. What’s coming will seem insurmountable, but you Leo, with both quiet grace and dignity will embrace this responsibility,
prove yourself worthy, and through your actions rise above it.
August 23 — September 22
The universe says stop it. You’ve been acting out and allowing others to direct you in ways that ultimately will end badly. Of course, your easy-going nature and the fact that your ruling planets are scattered about the galaxy providing little or no control is partially to
blame. Looks like you’ll have to save yourself, consider this a good time to pursue an independent endeavor. Something where you’re not surrounded by negative influences, how about knitting, or better yet, assume one of the personas of a cast member from the
Golden girls and go shopping. Anything to separate you from negative influences. Oh, here’s a good idea, clean a friend’s home as a favor. Make sure they’re out while you do it, it is important to be sure and ask permission first. After you’ve done your best to
straighten up their place, construct a hangman’s noose, throw it over an open beam and leave a chair directly under it, then hide in the closet of your own home and alternate your time equally between knitting, cruising social media and ignoring your cell phone.
September 23 — October 22
Three months ago I warned you to try harder to live in the present, and you gave it a shot. Then you , you big dumb Libra bunny you, chose not to follow through and allow my advice to take root. So here you are right back in the same quandary you were in before.
Sabotaging your own success by living in the past and the future instead of in the now. There is an Aries, tall, intelligent, and really interested in you, okay younger than you, but still interested. What kind of a dope are you to pass up an opportunity for love, or at least
a companionship. Stop being so paranoid about your shortcomings, your Aries friend certainly has flaws too. But the only way you’ll get to discover them is to be receptive. Aloof might work for a 1940’s film star, which by the way you’re not. So open you rself up,
slow and steady. And don’t let minor intimacies catapult you into your second favorite emotional state after schizophrenia, paranoia. Come on, Libra life is offering you an apple, maybe sour, maybe juicy. But you can’t know unless you take a bite. I mean really Libra,
aren’t you hungry?.
October 23 — November 21
Good morning Scorpio, it’s a new day full of hope and promise, as I hope you are. Saturn, your ruling planet, is smack dab in the middle of your chart this month. She’s nothing if not one of the most powerful and confusing indicators holding sway over the
astrological signs. What does this mean for you, glad you asked, although if the previous sentence is still even slightly rattling around in that sexually obsessed brain of yours, then the word confusing might come to mind. The things you’re doing lately smack more of a
desire for acceptance then physical satisfaction. But as usual, you lead with your sexuality instead of your brain. Right now it’s an ideal time to focus and center on your own self-worth. Just like Saturn you have layers/rings protecting your center from what you
perceive as harm/non-acceptance. You offer up these outer rings which for the most part are incomplete and littered with detritus. This is no way to make friends, and in so doing gain acceptance and ultimately happiness. I know, not funny, you want funny? Think
about the poor soul who has strength, depth, and a genuinely good heart, who prefers to offer up to others only the most feeble of physical contact, denying themselves all the beauty and truth life has to offer. I know, hilarious, right.
November 22 — December 21
Like a pinwheel in a wind storm your chart is anything but static this month. It’s hard to judge how things will ultimately turn out, although if you continue to follow your present course you should be fine. Last month two major events helped you to redo uble your
efforts on your primary goal. This month your resolve will be tested, beware shiny objects and things that spin, pinwheels for instance , also any reference or opportunity involving the Vietnamese basket trick. In either case keep practicing your mantra “focus focus
focus”, and in time this too, like a bad burrito will pass. Expect a gift from a loved one, this gift may not be what you wanted, but in time you will discover its true value. Be particularly mindful of other’s footwear, a stray sock, like a stray dog may very well bite you.
Learn the rules for cricket, this information will be invaluable for emptying a room or as a cure for insomnia. Try a new variety of seafood, or as they say in the industry “think outside the lox”.
December 22 — January 19
Hi Capricorn, take a break from ruminating over your lost love and financial status to look up disaster in the dictionary. No dictionary, no problem just find a mirror, but I would close one eye before you take a look in it. Trust me, one eye is more than enough to see
what a disaster your life has become. Seriously you look like a poster child for dissipation, and I know dissipation. I could tell you chapter and verse what the contributors of your present condition are, but who has the time. Besides even a halfwit like you has more
than figured it out by now. Here’s the sweet spot, all life like all literature is about what is lost and what is gain. Now let’s face it, in your life what’s lost? You’re going to need more paper, better yet, save a tree, just distill it to maybe 10 words. Write them down, okay
now figure out what specifically is lost regarding these words. Depressing, yes I know, but also a brilliant chance for clarity and understanding regarding what the experiences that brought you to these words might provide as gains in your life. Consider c arefully
before acting, you’ve seen what neglecting this step can do.
January 20 — February 18
Like most water signs your emotions tend to ebb and flow with little or no provocation. This can be devastating emotionally if you allow it. However as a water sign you have the ability to fit more easily into situations that others, say Scorpios for instance find difficult.
That doesn’t make you better than Scorpio, but it does afford you an opportunity that other signs may have difficulty with. My advice this month would be, don’t let your easy intimacy in social situations be misunderstood. Guard against romantic entanglements, and
instead focus on amusing yourself, or better yet, some form of good works. This could be an act as simple as rearranging the furniture of a visually impaired individual. Or reducing air pressure in the tires of a paraplegic, giving him the opportunity fo r hours of cardio
vascular exercise. Just don’t stress out, or as my friend Noah always says, “the sky’s the limit”.
February 19 — March 20
Hey Pisces, did you know that the word gullible is not in the dictionary? Ha ha I got you, and by doing so provided a terrific example how your trusting nature may sabotage your good intentions. This month especially, be on guard for trickery. This could appear in a
form as simple as a flaming paper bag on your front doorstep, or wrapped more warily in the form of a contract so complex in language and microscopic in type size, it would require an ant to wear reading glasses just to view it. For the last month or two you have been
considering an option that would change not only your living situation but your entire life as well. Now is not the time to decide, as your decision will undoubtedly affect others negatively, instead focus on the unimportant, for instance, a trip to a large metropolitan
shopping area for the sole purpose of purchasing lipgloss, that always does it for me.
Monthly overview of astrological influence
Just as the Ides of March did Caesar in, December 23 is more than likely to put some sort of twist in our collective knickers. This date is the shortest day of the year. And offers opportunities galore for potential dark partiers of every persuasion. The alignment of
Jupiter, Mars and Saturn pretty much set the stage for hijinks, something way to the left of whoopee . With winter solstice thrown in the mix, earth spirits, sprites, fairies, and of course a whole slew of ancient gods will be surfacing to join in the fun. When I was a
young man I lived for five months in a tiny room wedged in the attic of a house on Wren street in London, England. I worked in a tea shop just down the road. Arriving on the 23rd I was told that we would close midday, requiring no further explanation I left at noon.
My plan, return home, read a while and then take a long nap, followed I hoped by a meal at one of the local pubs nearby. When I woke, as they say, at half eight, the sun had long since set. My room was dark, but below, the house was thumping with sound, as if
music and madness had coupled, and its hellish spawn was dancing in every room. I descended to the street, each door I passed was open wide, as was each window in the rooms. The hall and rooms a sea of people, every sort the mind might imagine. Deity and myth,
all come to dance the night away. I left the house, behind me thick the swirling smells of sage and pine and graveyard dust, and before me uncertainty as to what had been and what was to be. Perhaps just as we are now. And so dear readers, as you pass t hrough the
darkest day this world can give, inhale and remember, be constant as the planets, and listen closely for their ancient song.
This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses, recommends, suggests, or in any other form infers actual fact, and under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making. Should you have any comments or
suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.
Monthly horoscopes column is created and written by John Schneider. Mr. Schneider can’t imagine why not.