Monthly horoscopes [July 2013]

 Aries 

March 21 — April 19,

Hang out with a Taurus, not literally, and certainly not publicly, but be assured a nearby Taurus has something you need; perhaps it’s physical, perhaps intellectual. But in either case this will help you make a decision which has for some time now been weighing heavily on your mind. Keep in mind this decision has nothing to do with sending rollerblades to Tibetan orphans. In fact it has nothing to do with orphans at all, so stop thinking about orphans and start thinking about your own needs. Remember, what Taurus provides may not be what you want, but is definitely what you need.

Taurus

April 20 — May 20

Presently you feel a strong connection to the earth. And you find yourself more in tune with nature than ever before. This could be a good thing, or it might mean your hygiene is slipping again. To decide which hang out with a priest. If he seems to be shooing flies rather than making the sign of the cross it’s a pretty fair indication a shower is in order. Build several effigies from trash you find in the park and used street meat sticks. Make up a play where you are God and they are your subjects. Everything you do in the play will come true. Have you got the stones? Be afraid, be very afraid.

Gemini

May 21 — June 21

Good morning Gemini, this month your dual personality/schizophrenic nature will make you more popular than usual. And a better ride than Space Mountain. Think sock puppets, act normally until cash changes hands then let it rip. I promise this is exactly what people expect, and want. Don’t be a sore loser, instead speak loudly, even if it’s only to yourself. Try blinking the alphabet while being interviewed for a job. Should the blinking be mentioned use at least three charades related hand gestures to indicate your disappointment.

Cancer

June 22 — July 22

You like to pick fights, and why is that, you always lose. This would not be the first time you brought an air horn to a chess competition. Your friends love you for your creativity, but sadly not for your follow-through. You are a steadfast lover, but take my advice, or if not mine the coroner’s, you need to stop that immediately, it’s just wrong, wrong wrongwrong.  There is still hope for something you thought irretrievable.  And it’s not the wrong wrongwrong thing, so please put that out of your head. Cover before you hover, a hat could make all the difference.  Peace out.

Leo

July 23 — August 22

Hello Leo.  For the next few weeks your strong personality, one may even say brusque will be an even larger turn off than usual.  It’s a good thing you enjoy romantic evenings alone.  As the odds of finding someone to share them with, at present are as unlikely as a Hershey bar at a fat camp.  But be of good cheer, there is a surprise coming your way.  And not a sideway surprised like that blue ribbon your carbuncle won at the county fair.  Not at all, this is more a raisins in your oatmeal or blueberry pancake kind of surprised.  Don’t try to guess, be patient and be open to an unusual opportunity later this month.

Virgo

August 23 — September 22

Your meticulous nature is causing distress to those close to you.  Okay, an orderly closet is nice, and sure you’re reasonably well-dressed, but at what cost.  In case no one has mentioned it, there is neat, then there is nuts.  Now you guess what opinion really is hiding behind your friends’ sad eyed stares.  Let me help, Nut Job!  And it’s only getting worse.  This is the ideal time to rethink your hour shower and a toothbrush for every tooth.  I mean dear God, drop the soap and step away from the sink!  If you can’t dial your neat freak down then at least open a laundromat and make a profit from it.

Libra

September 23 — October 22

Your well-balanced lifestyle, plus that stack of affirmations and cliché platitudes, such as “it’s all good, what goes around comes around, and my personal favorite I’m with you guys” are frustrating your few remaining friends.  Balance [your most endearing trait] doesn’t mean you’re excused from making decisions.  Hell no, what it means is you try to view all sides of a situation before making a decision.  That’s the follow-through part.  Your decision may not be popular but I can assure you that your true friends, few as they may be, will respect and approve.  Speak softly when you find yourself under a moon sign.

 Scorpio

October 23 — November 21

Kudos Scorpio, the fates saw fit to save your skinny poisonous Scorpio tail yet again.  I don’t see how you do it , but you do.  Maybe this will be the push you need to start thinking with your brain instead of continuing to follow your hormones around the neighborhood.  You’ve got both drive and smarts and it is kind of sad to see them wasted on the criminally insane.  Consider a hiatus from this activity; take your next move cautiously with someone or something new.  Preparation enhances new experiences, which rarely allow tragic endings.

Sagittarius

November 22 — December 21

Doesn’t it feel great to be comfortable in your own skin for a change?  I told you so, well actually I just repeated what the influences from the cosmos indicated.  But nevertheless you’re still feeling comfortable, comfortable enough to consider divulging a few of the more intimate details of your past life to your new love.  Before you do that however, check with your parents to see if they may have been binge drinkers during your conception and gestation.  This may explain the stupidest move you could possibly be making in any relationship new, old or potential.  Remember this; nobody loves you for what you are, only for what they perceive you to be.  Don’t rock the dream, it’s just dumb.

Capricorn

December 22 — January 19

Oh Capricorn, I’m so sorry to tell you that within two weeks two Sun signs will take up residence in your second house, which by the way is in Pisces  This will be both unexpected and unwelcome.  And what passes for your significant other will be scratching at the door trying to make an escape from what, if the signs are any indication, will be a disaster of, now get this movie reference, Titanic proportions.  Starts preparing now, Sun signs are strong and irresponsible.  Your first move, hide the liquor, sharp objects and anything with stripes.  Stripes make them crazy.  Act now, here comes the Sun Lala — Lala — la.

Aquarius

January 20 — February 18

Hey Aquarius, you like riddles?  OK, what do Scorpio and Cancer have in common?  The answer is they were both tricked into dissing you last month, and do they feel lousy about it.  Your job is to forgive their transgressions and maintain the relationship.  Remember, it’s cool to forgive but it’s also wise to remember who put them up to it.  And that would be Mercury, who by the way is still gunning for you.  So keep a sharp eye out for attempts at sabotage at home or in the workplace.  Inspect both your bike and casual friendships for potential loose nuts.

Pisces

February 19 — March 20

You’re known for your creativity, but not well respected.  No one thinks you’re being followed, and what you consider a good story others think of as lies.  Avoid romantic entanglements with reptiles or anyone who knowingly eat insects.  Your desires often outstrip your ambition to attain them.  Some think you lazy, others dull, but the truth is you are simply uninspired.  Try not to dwell on this, for when the stars align and the right opportunity presents itself, which it will, nothing can stop you from success.

Monthly overview of astrological influence

Given the present position of the astrological signs, that is to say halfway between their outer most orbit and the celestial cluster hump that brings them into closest proximity an odd phenomena occurs.  Things seem to be slowing down, communication becomes less frequent, sketchier, seemingly left more to interpretation by nuance then by statement of fact.  You can test this for yourself.  Go someplace and order a cheeseburger.  For our purposes the someplace should be a restaurant that ordinarily serves cheeseburgers.  Now check your watch, notice anything?  Of course you do, the restaurant has been closed for two weeks and your watch is missing, see what I mean, sketchy.  This condition is not exclusive to chronometers or local eateries, but extends fully into interpersonal relationships as well.  For instance, I’ll wager that within the last week your significant other, warmly perhaps even damp eyed said “I love you” as you left the house on some minor errand.  Only to discover when you return home drunk sometime after midnight, your worldly possessions had been piled next to an empty trashcan, coupled by the realization that “I love you” actually meant don’t forget to take out the trash.  Expect to hear the phrase “yes, that’s what I said, but that’s not what I meant”.  You can blame it on the cosmos or bad luck.  But in either case it is doubly important at this time to look carefully behind what’s been said or done for its true meaning.

This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses recommends suggests or in any other form infers actual fact.  And under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making.  Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.

This column is created and written by John Schneider.  Mr. Schneider arrived in a taxi and left in a huff.

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