March 21 — April 19,
Hi Aries, at present it may be too early for you to see the benefits of that trip to the beach you took last month. But as I mentioned patience is the lesson here. So remember, what some see in you as rude or overbearing is just your nature. Which by the way is not a bad thing in some situations, but for the present dial it back a notch or two. Think hard before you speak or act. Good things are waiting on the horizon, but it’s more than likely they will arrive in silence, rather than you forcing the issue. Avoid reacting to left-handed people, or offhanded comments.
April 20 — May 20
Your time here is growing shorter than you think, you don’t know it yet but unseen forces are in play to move you to the next level. I can’t say which, good or bad, but be ready for a major change. In fact, if the planets are any indication, you could wake up naked tomorrow, tied to a tree in Carenero, and probably not in a good way. Your best course of action, think outside the box, or better yet get rid of the box altogether. After all, you and the box were barely holding on as it was. Develop an exit strategy, save string, tell no one.
May 21 — June 21
Geez Gemini, you still refuse to take the advice of the universe, even with predicted mayhem closing in on all sides. What will it take for you to wake up? Right now your life is like an exam in Bible study, with the outcome either pass or smite. Smite, get it, your next move could be terminal, so think hard, renew those meds, and get right with Baucus, before he gets right with you. And by he I mean alcohol, and by right I mean ruining your life forever.
June 22 — July 22
Your curiosity into the lives of other has gotten way out of hand. What you presently view as showing interest will undoubtedly be considered stalking by most law enforcement agencies. Trust me, hiding in bushes is not nearly as romantic as you may think. Try paying more attention to yourself, this should include daily tick and unusual mole inspections. Keep a chart, color, size, & shape, for all you know there may be a television special in this endeavor. Avoid exertion, rest at least five minutes between each breath. Try looking mildly surprised at all times, eventually you will be.
July 23 — August 22
Find a mirror and spend at least one minute playing peekaboo with yourself. This should help you realize your place in the universe, or at least where you stand at the DMV. Ruminate on this, both Genghis Khan and Barney the dinosaur were Leo’s, and you can see how it worked out for them. Try hanging out with a Pisces; these folks, as a rule, tend to be more concerned with their financial status than their physical appearance. This will make you look spectacular in comparison. Beware of cults requiring new clothes, cash or a blood sample.
August 23 — September 22
Stay focused, your grand opus is not quite complete yet. And by the by, smart move avoiding both the cash and Cancer. The work you’re attempting can best be completed in solitude, or at least far enough away from distractions to give you a fighting chance at success. And how about that limping Libra, was I right or what? At this time you’re considering a new romance, or a new shirt. Choose the shirt. At least with the shirt the quality may not suck, but with a new love, who can say. Just remember, only God can make a tree, but any dog can whiz on it.
September 23 — October 22
Saying goodbye is never easy, like the time you had those four warts clustered on your shoulder removed. You remember they looked like a little mini Mount Rushmore. OK maybe it wasn’t a date saver, but they were your warts and you miss them. And so to your feeling of sadness at the loss of your recent friends. I’m reminded of something my mother used to say, “How can I miss you, if you won’t go away?” Sweet woman, her face is on Wiccan money. However, it’s true your absent friends will not forget you. And now the kicker, there are new and even more interesting relationships waiting to engage you. Remember what you’ve learned from your now departed friends as this will be helpful with your new ones.
October 23 — November 21
Scorpio you jerk! You didn’t listen, and now you are as covered up with crazy as only someone who leads with their sexuality instead of their brain can be. Don’t say you weren’t warned. I mean honestly, they had a live fruit bat on their head. What was it going to take, maybe a hand written invitation to crazy town before you recognized the disaster, who as we speak is crawling up your drainpipe with a knife clenched in their teeth. And don’t delude yourself, only a black ops extraction can save you now. And I sure don’t see that in the stars. Hide any money or valuables you may have, before they, just like your self-respect disappears completely.
November 22 — December 21
For those that sail, there is no greater feeling than running with the wind, and that dear Sag is exactly how you feel at present. Good for you, and about that sweet new romance, relaxed, no pressure but still very exciting. I told you, but you can thank Mercury for all of this, of course there was some help from Venus, but for the most part Mercury was the power behind it all. Show your appreciation by loading up on fresh veggies and avoiding dairy. Think pink, but be equally as excited about the red. This too is part of life.
December 22 — January 19
You’re doing your best to keep the relationship fresh, and unless you’re completely myopic you can see clearly that your efforts are paying off. Stick around, there’s even more good stuff waiting right around the corner. It’s just a matter of being patient. Don’t forget, communication in any relationship is important, but fiscal acts of affection go a long way as well. Consider a trip to the beach, and while there write both your names in the sand using your best handwriting and most creative spirit.
January 20 — February 18
At this time it’s especially important for you to remain steadfast regarding your physical labors and personal beliefs. Beware; both Cancer and Scorpio have it in for you this month. Although it is not really their fault, in fact as a rule Scorpio and Cancer are pretty sharp cookies, regular B. S. I. C.(Big sign in cosmos). But that old shape shifter Mercury aligned them against you using a lethal combination of flattery and alcohol. You need to let their attempted influence run its course, without you responding negatively to what might come of it. Both shoes and rope will play a pivotal part in your continued success.
February 19 — March 20
You feel confused, and rightfully so, after all who receives tweezers as an anonymous gift. Come on cosmos, no note, text, e-mail, nothing, give me a break. Just between you, me and the universe, I’d be looking at Gemini as either the culprit or the driving force regarding this stainless steel insult., Although in retrospect, this could be an opportunity to collect errant nose, ear and eyebrow hairs. Then once gathered, carefully crochet them into tiny coasters for the Borrowers who live in your basement in that whole behind the water heater. “It’s a good thing”. Now serving number 12.
Monthly overview of astrological influence
Today, as well as in the past, many top philosophers have equated the meaning of life with the manufacture of cheese. How you may ask, I haven’t a clue. But what I do know from sitting in a small windowless room surrounded by broken dreams and televisions is this: There is not a country in the world or population in them that does not in some way believe in fate. Take the Buddhists, no, you take the Buddhists. No better, yet forget the Buddhists. Let’s talk about people from the United States, those self-entitled, nearly lifeless hulks, meat bags of pale flesh lurking or loping about our little town. What makes them so worthy of note? The answer’s simple. They, like the rest of the world, are seeking their fate, only for them the process is greatly expedited by their unquenchable desire for that elusive little tart happiness, which is actually another word for fate. Sorry, got a little off the track there. Here’s the deal, the zodiac, the astrological signs, the entire universe if you will, or better yet the multi-universes within universes that stretch out beyond the ability of the eye to see, or the mind to comprehend all teach us one thing. And that simply put is “fate like the invisible forces that act upon it are unknowable, so give up and get happy.”
This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses recommends suggests or in any other form infers actual fact. And under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making. Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.
This column is created and written by John Schneider. Mr. Schneider is currently assuming no responsibility whatsoever.