March 21 — April 19,
Taking a trip to the beach will provide benefits more far-reaching than at this time you can possibly imagine. Find a shady spot, hopefully not under a heavy cluster of coconuts itching to once again prove the infallibility of gravity. Set up a chair or spread a blanket, cooler optional. But be ready to sit for at least an hour as practicing patience is the first step to improvement in yourself and certainly with others. Expect to see at least one reptile wearing sunglasses. Do not speak until spoken to.
April 20 — May 20
Hopefully you took my advice, and steered clear of plumbers, plumbing, and pipes of all varieties. Plans you have been making for a trip seemed to be coming apart faster than two dollar sandals. Persist, but just like your latest girlfriend, consider reducing your expectations for happiness and settle for what is possible rather than an ideal. Focus on the local economy by carrying at least one shoe which could be polished. Something arriving by boat will become pivotal for you health wise, so wash your hands, and think before you act.
May 21 — June 21
Gemini, knock knock, who’s there? Answer, nobody. And why is this? Simple, you let your fears, plus an unfilled prescription fragment your psyche to the point of no return. And that dear Gemini is why you eat alone, disturbed only by your inner voices asking you to pass the salt. What a drag for you, you let a few minor, and believe me they were minor, imperfections screw up what could have been a marginally healthy relationship. It’s time to get right with yourself and the pharmacy. Your lucky number this month, $16.95 plus tax.
June 22 — July 22
Expect a Taurus with a plan that initially seems both viable and profitable. Neither of these things are true, and your Taurus pal is chock full of exactly what you might expect a Taurus to be full of. Be polite, but be firm, this may initially hurt your friend’s feelings, but if they’re a true friend your relationship will prevail. Buy them a beer, listen politely, but be firm in the negative, or you could lose both the friend and the investment.
July 23 — August 22
Your time is a great gift and shouldn’t be wasted on people who don’t appreciate the wit and honesty that come with it. Consider upgrading to relationship 2.0. I know relationship 1.0 was okay, and seemed to work pretty well with the occasional upgrade. But really, do you feel as if you’re getting value for your emotional investment. The stars say no, and now is an ideal time they say to form a new one. Consider your options carefully, think globally, act locally. Check out a quiet Aries, the stars approve.
August 23 — September 22
A Libra with a limp has been watching you carefully, and approves wholeheartedly your perseverance. They’re just about to step in with words of encouragement and perhaps a small but well deserved infusion of cash. Except the words but avoid the cash, as a Cancer’s influence may convince you to spend it unwisely, leaving you behind rather than holding the eight ball. Take time for yourself in the form of bathroom breaks both scheduled and unscheduled.
September 23 — October 22
Hi Libra, you’re probably feeling sad right now, this is due in part to almost all of the astrological signs ignoring your influence this month, all except for Virgo that is. Good job, Virgo is wise. But back to feeling sad, your emotions are justified. Several acquaintances who have become friends are leaving soon. And although they promise otherwise you fear losing contact of both their friendship and advice. Fear not, like the stars, although your new friends may be distant, they will remain true.
October 23 — November 21
Hey Scorpio, start practicing the phrase “I will not date the crazy person”, there’s one gaining on you right now. And it’s not a stretch to realize who it is, yes that’s right, the one wearing the live fruit bat as a hat. Fair warning, just listen, the universe is snickering at you, and about to break in to open laughter. This person is not a project you can repair. Seriously, look up bull goose loony in the dictionary and there they are. You have been warned, and no amount of scrubbing after-the-fact will fix this mistake.
November 22 — December 21
Okay Sagittarius, you listened to last month’s advice, and now in retrospect see just how disastrous things might’ve been. Good for you! But don’t let your guard down just yet as there’s still a little evil influence out in the cosmos. My advice, for the next week, keep your head down, eyes open, and your mouth shut. After that, expect clear sailing, a new easy-going yet exciting romance, and the return of a friend, hand tools or money.
December 22 — January 19
The best laid plans, just like the best plan lays, can often go astray. Don’t be put off by what you perceived as failure or inadequacy. What you experienced could happen to anyone. Instead just be thankful you have somebody willing to let you put your shoes under their bed. As a test of your partner’s affection eat more tuna, Brussels sprouts and asparagus, this will add more zest and aroma to your lovemaking, as well as annoy the cat. Make up a holiday, St. Swevans is my favorite ersatz holiday. Buy your special someone a useless gift, motor oil is always nice. This is especially effective if they don’t have a car.
January 20 — February 18
Hi ho Aquarius, just look at you, feeling on top of the world and with good reason. You took a chance and came out smelling like a rose. Yours truly, and the rest of the zodiac gang are mighty proud of the effort and success. Keep in mind success is not always measured by cash or status. And in your case this may be especially true. So focus on your efforts. And remember, like perfume, it’s okay to sniff at the compliments which you receive, but not to swallow them. Your lucky color this month, are you ready, plaid.
February 19 — March 20
Just like that stuff that gathers in the corners of your eyes when you are sleeping, some otherwise insignificant things, will take unusual priority in your thinking. Your concerns are misplaced, let the little things go, and focus only on the big picture. This does not mean forgoing regular hygiene, especially after extended periods of exertion, wink wink, if you know what I mean. At this time a close friend may seem distant; this is a temporary condition, a lot like that rash you have again. A little salve and a little time and you and your friend will be closer than ever.
Monthly overview of astrological influence
With spring in full swing, and the signs of the zodiac receding towards their outermost orbit, it’s no surprise that each sign is doing more than its share of self-examination. After all an orbit is an orbit, and what some may consider the beginning others may view as the end. And why not, it was either Bob Dylan or Beethoven, they look a lot alike to me, once said, it’s not so much the musical notes as the space in between them. And I think you’ll find this to be true as you begin to examine your own level of self-confidence and style. Keep in mind that peach is not an appropriate color for anything but fruit. I have this from the brightest and best minds down at the Book. What the universe is saying here I think, is that sometimes in life solitude and silence are the best places for introspection and improvement. Not to mention the added elation when the music starts again.
This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses, recommends, suggests or in any other form infers actual fact. And under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making. Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.
This column is created and written by John Schneider. Mr. Schneider is currently accepting serious dating applications. Carbon based life forms only.