March 21 — April 19,
Hi Aries, well here we are at the intersection of affection and good sense. No matter which way you turn, disappointment is likely the final outcome. What to do, what to do? If the stars know their stuff, and trust me they do, after all they haven’t been floating around in the universe for trillions upon trillions of years without learning a thing or two. Your best move, by all indications, is to make a grab for affection. Not necessarily grab you understand, that’s strictly metaphorical. You understand metaphor, no, not where sheep graze, that would be meadow for, entirely different. Anyway, Venus is presently in your first house and she’s not there to take out the trash, so wise up and be receptive to a new relationship or deepening one that presently exists.
April 20 — May 20
Looks like you saw the light, and by following your true nature, that is conscious consideration coupled with slow and meticulous action , you have saved yourself from what could have been a horrible fate. If you think back I’m sure you’ll recall a particular situation where you were being pushed into an opportunity that, had you not held back, could have been disastrous. While you were down here on earth dodging the bullet on that one, Capricorn your rising sign, and Pisces, now in retrograde were doing their best to test your steadfast nature. So congrats Taurus, and remember just because you didn’t hit the lotto doesn’t make you a loser. In fact, to misquote John Adams “Blessed is the man who keeps his head while all around him are losing theirs”. Think it over.
May 21 — June 21
By now you can see the importance of getting shed of that implied deadweight we discussed last month. Finally the decks are cleared for an energy surge as Cancer rises, and in so doing, pulls you firmly towards a more positive position. Do not let this feeling of relief be confused with power. You’re not stronger, just smarter, remember Mid-month Cancer will be crossing your moon sign. At that time be on the lookout for a bright idea. Stock up on AA batteries sewing supplies and cheese. None of these will be useful to you, but they will be invaluable to someone close, soon to be closer. Above all else remember not to cut the cheese in front of them.
June 22 — July 22
Cancer, this month you will be the most popular sign in the cosmos. Not just because you’ve modified your outlook and streamlined your personality, and by streamlined I mean learning to recognize the difference between a question and a challenge of your credibility. Here’s an opportunity for you to influence others by setting an example rather than making a statement. Remember, Ben Franklin, Benito Mussolini and Ben Dover [the famous Calvin Klein underwear model, were all cancers. One was dumber than a coconut husk, but the other two did pretty well considering. For certain your odds are better than your success would be buying R. O. P. land on Carenero.
July 23 — August 22
Leos love attention and they’re not particularly shy in the way they go about getting it. Sometimes this can cause a rift in friendships that have been forged over time. Keep in mind your needs will not always be met even under the best of circumstance. You tend to be a self-starter although finding a way to finish a project sometimes escapes you. Don’t be too hard on yourself in this regard, just remember your intentions are good, true and often altruistic, although your judgment, as to what’s important may not be. Your normally sunny disposition may be dampened by a failed romance or unsuccessful bicycle repair. Be of good cheer, better luck is just around the corner.
August 23 — September 22
Hey Virgo, are you still waiting for that important e-mail, the one that in your wild imagination will set you free from all the drudgery which you envision as your life? Wake up Virgo, everything you read on that screen is simply a pattern of ones and zeros designed to trick you into whizzing away hours on unfounded expectations brought on by what, were you actually diagnosed, would undoubtedly be a severe mental disorder. But take heart, or two aspirin and call me in the morning. Only kidding, right now, and I do mean right now, as you read these words, the universe is poised to drop a completely unforeseen windfall directly in your lap. So stay seated, be patient and vigilant, something great is coming.
September 23 — October 22
Keeping balanced should be job one for you this month. Avoid trying to run other people’s lives as nothing good can come of it. The truth is, even a one eyed cat can see you’re doing a stellar job of buggering up your own life. So why should anyone else take advice from you? And while we’re on the subject of cats, don’t you think it is odd how they gravitate towards people that obviously hate, and or, are allergic to them? But back to you Libra and you need to seek approval from a Scorpio. Excuse the cliché, but if you don’t love yourself then who else will, excluding of course most of the girls at the Barco Hundido. Your lucky number this month, mind your own damn business.
October 23 — November 21
Yo Yo Scorpio, keep your eyes on the prize this month, as two Geminis are trying to dissuade you from a long-term high-minded desire. Between their good looks and their persuasive language, you will find yourself wavering from what in the back of your head you know to be your [special-purpose]. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Or more clearly stated, and keep in mind I rarely recommend this, for once in your pleasure seeking life choose a high-minded goal over immediate gratification. P.S. Don’t let your father issues cloud your judgment on this one. Fun is fun but what these wacky Geminis propose is tantamount to interspecies dating. Be afraid be very afraid, etc.
November 22 — December 21
Most Sagittarius’s are highly opinionated. In fact right now you’re thinking, hey, what does this jerk know anyway? See, what did I tell you. We all know you’re stubborn, in fact so much so you would rather make your way from the bedroom to the bathroom in the dark of night without a light to guide you rather than admit you weren’t exactly sure where tables or slumbering cats might be waiting to trip you up. And lucky you, sarcasm, this condition also extends into your relationships, both business and personal. Take a moment or two to reflect on this and see if you can’t recall when your inflexible nature turned right around and bit you on the butt. Consider moderation, not everything in your life needs to be rigid. No lucky number for you, bad Sagittarius, bad.
December 22 — January 19
Capricorns tend to reach in other people’s pockets to pay bills. And speaking of bills, Daffy duck, Scrooge Mc duck and the road runner are all Capricorns. This should give some clarity as to why most consider you quick, cheap and crazy. Even with these as your primary traits, you’re considered resourceful. In fact most feel after the rapture, cockroaches, you and most of your fellow Capricorns will have survived. But at the moment that is not as important as a health issue which you have been putting off addressing. Worry is not a substitute for action, especially where this particular condition is concerned. Seriously Anna, sometimes a banana is not just a banana.
January 20 — February 18
Happy days Aquarius, three planets are presently shining their cosmic goodness down on your nappy little Aquarius head. I’m not permitted to say which ones, in truth I don’t know as they are all wearing disguises. But I think one of them may be Pluto, as a dog collar is part of his disguise. Nevertheless, look for good things coming your way this month, especially towards the last week of the month. Of particular interest to you should be any investment opportunity containing the phrase “the more you spend the more you save”. This should not apply to any situation where a two for one STD is either guaranteed or implied. Your lucky number, pick one they’re all good.
February 19 — March 20
Well la te da Miss Pisces, you must be swelling with pride regarding the recent announcement that we are not in the age of Aquarius, but actually in the age of Pisces. And what is it exactly you expect from the rest of us now? After all, we always acknowledged your reasonable nature and willingness to go along to get along, even realizing the possibility of some personal discomfort you may experience. And have we ever ignored your artistic ability, and the way you see beauty in even the most mundane, no sir certainly not. We all know that by nature you are a quiet and introspective person. But come on Pisces if you want more attention, hell even a sliver of recognition, then say something. We’re all here and more than willing to listen.
Monthly overview of astrological influence
September signifies change, and right now in the heavens the whole zodiac is doing a cosmic do-si-do with an expected sharp allemande left toward the last week of the month. This will cause eight of the astrological signs to gather in quasi-alignment. You signs will know who you are. First by the tingling in your fingers and toes, somewhat similar to the experience you had when your uncle Guido made fresh spaghetti sauce which included those unusual mushrooms he found in the woods. After that you should be getting a creepy crawly sensation along the back of your neck. Don’t be concerned, at least no more so than you would be were you sleeping somewhere in the Amazon and something with a hundred legs and red glowing eyes had just crawled up your pant leg. Get it, be concerned! No kidding, with this unusual configuration dancing high above you, all sorts of change is likely. This can be either good or bad depending almost exclusively on your viewpoint. For instance, were it not for mold, blue cheese would simply be cheese, and therefore half the price it is presently at the super G. Expect new and unusual alliances, some as simple as fig newtons and cheap scotch, and others as complicated and incomprehensible as your 1099 in braille. Be cautious, every dog has its day, but, do you really need the fleas?
This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses recommends suggests or in any other form infers actual fact. And under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making. Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.
This column is created and written by John Schneider. Mr. Schneider has nothing particular in mind, ever.