October 23 — November 21
Beware of other Scorpios this month. Their tail could be deadly in more ways than one. Don’t buy cheap shoes, and avoid anyone with foot fungus hidden under expensive pedicures.
November 22 — December 21
Sagittarius, although considered one of the more desirable signs in the zodiac will find themselves as popular as asparagus at a urine festival this month. So all you Sagittarians should lay low and wait for better times near the first of the year. Beware of re-gifting, tempers could flair.
December 22 — January 19
You will have to work extra hard this month to make your petty needs heard over the whining of your friends and relatives. But be persistent, the payoff could be huge in the form of an unexpected liaison with a first cousin.
January 20 — February 18
No one knows better than you how hard you worked for that promotion. The one you didn’t get. Rethink your priorities this month. Take up binge drinking or collecting handguns, or both. Be sure and dwell on those responsible for your failure. Something interesting will happen.
February 19 — March 20
You feel, as many Pisces do, intimidated by some of the cooler signs, like Leo or Scorpio, or even little old Cancer the crab. As well you should, now stop your complaining, pack up your crayons and go away. Keep in mind early April as a turning point, physically, emotionally or financially.
March 21 — April 19
Attention Aries, you may feel out of your element this month, just relax, good things are on their way up from the south. In the meantime load up on vitamin C.
April 20 — May 20
This month you may feel more pressure than usual to act like your sign. Ignore these external pressures and continue to be the useless blight on society you have always been. Just remember, change comes from within, or you can get it at the bank if you’re willing to wait in line.
May 21 — June 21
This is your month to shine, after all your sign has the word gem in it. So polish up your rough edges, bleach your mustache, wash your feet and force yourself into social settings. You’ll be amazed just what can happen.
June 22 — July 22
Just like your sign you may find yourself festering in ways that cause discomfort to others this month. Brushing your teeth is extremely important right now. In fact I recommend seeing a dentist, even if only socially. Make an effort, the proof is in the pudding. Depending of course what you’re putting where. So put in an effort and look for change.
July 23 — August 22
Keep in mind that although you may let others do for you, it is important to maintain your own skill level and proficiency. Just remember, if you don’t love yourself who will? Just not while driving.
August 23 — September 22
This is an excellent month to change something you don’t like about your living situation. For instance, rearrange the furniture, or better yet, throw that deadbeat sponge you’ve been living with to the curb. And start fresh with someone from the mainland. Also consider interspecies dating.
September 23 — October 22
This is an ideal time to borrow money. Start by asking total strangers for outlandish sums. And then when you have become comfortable with rejection move on to friends and relatives.
Monthly overview of astrological influences
This month finds three houses in direct line for large profits at the celestial box office. The first, the house of Dior, with its unbelievably overpriced clothing and a new line of fragrances guaranteed to repulse even the most filthy Frenchman. Second, random reproving the theory people will buy anything sold at Wal-Mart. And finally Dr., who as we all know through several seasons manages to miss diagnose three quarters of the way through the hour with thrust and parry, until some microscopic detail unrelated to the plot in any way reveals the correct diagnosis. My point is this, just because something is expensive doesn’t mean it smells good, nor does the low price guarantee a value, and thirdly, if you’re sarcastic enough no one cares whether you know what you’re talking about or not.
This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses recommends suggests or in any other form infers actual fact. And under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making. Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.