Monthly horoscopes

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 Aries  
March 21 — April 19
Happy New years Aries.  And just about now you should be feeling as if you can finally exhale from all the anxiety you felt December last year.  Uncertainty will do that, but there’s good news ahead as your personal as well as worldview is finally coming into focus.  Granted things may not be as rosy as you would wish, but in retrospect they are certainly better than you had imagined.  Now on to the work/opportunity stretching out before you.  Your natural propensity as a self-starter will be invaluable for the task ahead, as will your education and physical strength.  Be ready to accept your first impressions regarding what needs to be done, and waste no time in doing it.  Focus and try not to look too pleased when your efforts bear fruit, it just annoys others.

Taurus
April 20 — May 20
Other than that Mrs. Lincoln how did you enjoy the play?  Taurus that joke works because enough time between it and the event has occurred.  Likewise a disaster in your past has now had sufficient time pass to put the events into perspective.  Let’s start by saying you judgment may have been slightly impaired, and that alcohol, prescription medications or even an improperly ground pair of eyewear lenses may have played a role in your unfortunate decision.  Granted, in retrospect the overwhelming body odor, or prominent Adam’s apple may have raised something besides a red flag, but who’s to say what warrants physical attraction.  In any case, the past is just that, and the prologue unlimited as long as you are wise enough to avoid the pitfalls of the past.  And by the way should you run into this exceptionally unfortunate choice publicly, simply smile, nod and keep going.  Ever wonder what rhymes with lychee nut, me either.

Gemini
May 21 — June 21
You know that feeling of exhaustion, when you’ve worked hard, played hard, eaten well, probably showered and then climbed into a freshly made bed, to sleep the sleep I like to think of as, “the sleep of the righteous”.  Well Gemini that’s pretty much the universe’s plan for you for the next several weeks.  Right now you can do nearly no wrong.  Now that’s not a challenge, of course you can screwup.  But the way your signs are laid out astrologically speaking presently, you should find yourself on a collision course with nothing but success.  So let’s consider some of your options.  First this is an excellent time to buy sandals, not the all inclusive resort, the kind you’ve been meaning to purchase for the last several months.  This may seem like a small matter, but trust me they will not only last you years longer than you had imagined, but also take you places you’ve yet to consider as attainable.  Spooky , no spooky’s ignoring a serious wink from the universe.  Think happy thoughts, Tinkerbell lives.

 Cancer
June 22 — July 22
When in Rome do as the Romans do.  For now just forget about the Greeks.  Presently cancer you find yourself in a situation/setting that requires you to step beyond your normal comfortable limits and allow more intimacy than in truth you feel appropriate.  My advice, go ahead give what’s offered a try.  Sure you may feel silly embarrassed or even mortified, but these feelings are transitory and should not affect you any more deeply than an uncomfortably clammy handshake at a family reunion.  Also consider the fact that although you may look foolish in the eyes of others by extending yourself beyond your normal comfort level, this is a far superior condition to be in then to be considered a prig rude or an inflexible ass.  Your lucky number this month seven, why seven, because I said so.  Come on cancer, relax and for a change except what’s available instead of always needing to have it your way.

Leo
July 23 — August 22
Leo, here Leo over here, that’s it, focus, now there’s a good Leo , come on focus.  Now that you’re back from your little holiday/journey, both physically and emotionally, it’s time to rededicate yourself to the task at hand, and the faltering relationship, which of course like it or not is it’s key component.  I could be specific, but you know who you are, and more importantly you know the difference between taking it easy and take it sleazy.  It’s time for some truth Leo, so dig deep and get right with yourself and then finish what you started.  It’s time to deal, your life is not a game of whack a mole where you push one problem down and another pops up.  If you want closure then be wise and unplug the damn machine.  You may miss the whacking part of the experience but not the accompanying noise.  PS the universe still loves you, and remember when you feel you heal.

Virgo
August 23 — September 22
I’m sure last month’s predictions pretty clearly define who your friends are, as well as are not.  So this month what to do with your newfound information.  Have a party, everyone loves a nice party.  You could have hats and those little horns you blow into that make that annoying sound, maybe even balloons, heck the sky is the limit.  I mean really, you party animal you, rarely do you ever feel any better than when you’re in the midst of a group of people.  And now with your recent discovery of who those people should be I’d have to say you are square in the middle of a smashing opportunity for the social coup of the season.  Jupiter is directly overhead this month which means you should have no problem directing your energies to this project.  Think of it, the social event of the Bocas del Toro season.  Don’t forget to invite Elton and Madonna, if you don’t I know they’d be crushed.

 Libra
September 23 — October 22
Consider the first person to eat an artichoke successfully.  Can you imagine the amount of barbs and bitter tasting leaves the poor person had to go through before he reached the heart.  You remember the heart, soft sweet and tender, offering up goodness and a toothy abundance of flavor beyond words.  Okay, you caught me, I’m not talking about artichokes.  I’m talking about you and your desire to connect with another person being blocked by the obvious difficulties that fall to nearly everyone when attempting to make that connection.  This month is a perfect time for metamorphosis, seriously Libra!  Right now, this instant you have the ability to cast off what you see as your own personal stereotype.  The entire galaxy is rooting for you, can’t you hear it.  It’s the sound of you exhaling your insecurities and in hailing the knowledge that there isn’t a soul among us who doesn’t sometimes feel afraid.  Reach out you dummy, I wouldn’t be the least surprised if you didn’t touch the hand of someone feeling precisely as you do.

 Scorpio
October 23 — November 21
Buckle up, as this month Mars is descending, as is Pluto Venus and Capricorn leading you to what you will perceive as the brink of your emotional destruction.  [A small plane crashes in the middle of a cemetery, so far they’ve found 400 bodies ,] it’s a joke.  Get it, the point is the 400 bodies have nothing to do with the small plane it’s only by virtue of association that one has influence over the other, and in this case only for the sake of humor.  My point is this, what you perceive as your world coming undone, although certainly tragic will not have the tremendous fallout that you may perceive initially.  Now don’t misunderstand, your junk is certainly in the dumpster at present, but this doesn’t mean there isn’t the potential for rescue/repair/resurrection and perhaps even a few more R words to round out the sentence.  What to do?  You know Scorpio, may I call you Scorpio, thanks.  You know Scorpio, no man is an island, a few are inlets or peninsulas, but almost all are smart enough to know when they need to ask for help.  And right now buddy that’s you.

 Sagittarius
November 22 — December 21
Food for thought, for me that would be linguine in the form of a Mobius strip with a side Escher salad .  But again that’s just me.  Consider this reading a cautionary tale, and who on occasion couldn’t use a little cautionary tale?  Sparks should fly for you this month, the question that remains is will they fizzle out, light a fire or burn you to a cinder.  Only time will tell, don’t change yourself Sagittarius, and likewise don’t let others direct you in that regard.  Staying true to what you believe will preserve and protect you from the onslaught of possibilities.  I new hairdo is in your future.  Consider the words style as a red flag should you hear it.  Should this occur, smile and back away without further conversation.  It’s better to be thought rude then to wake up roofied.  You may be contacted by a distant relative, keep it short and maintain a distance sufficient for the Holy Ghost.

Capricorn
December 22 — January 19
Matt Dillon, Bob Dylan, no relation, and Dylan Thomas all started their careers in tap shoes, selling them not dancing.  Do you see what I did there?  You went one way, and I the other.  And that in essence is what’s required of you this month Capricorn.  Many will try influencing you regarding a windfall you have recently discovered.  These people although your friends do not have your best interest at heart.  But take heart, your windfall will disappear faster than pixie dust at Peter Pan’s coming-out party.  And in so doing leave you safely back at square one, as well as unburdening your friends of the weighty, yet misguided responsibility they feel towards you.  Consider buying a dog, but don’t.  Besides all the really great dog names have been taken by rappers hippies or serial philatelists.  [this message brought to you by cat fanciers international].

 Aquarius
January 20 — February 18
Gemini and Cancer have a secret agenda that could very well leave you broke, or worse yet, in debt.  And with Venus as your rising sign this month, you may be tempted to pay this potential debt with favors that may require you to to defy gravity, or at the very least morality codes from several Southern states.  Intrigued, don’t be.  The temptation which is coming your way is likely to be as seductive as the desire to squeeze a chin zit on prom night .  Don’t do it, trust me, the momentary pleasure of this mini exorcism coupled with the hope that your adolescent skin will instantly heal is pure denial .  [Insert river in Egypt joke]. Seek guidance from a flexible Taurus, as their experience will be invaluable in coming to a safe avoidance of both Cancer, Gemini and the necessity to repeal the law of gravity.  Avoid crowds, especially in the boudoir and bathroom.  My lucky number, 7 1/2 extra narrow.  Hold the Mayo

Pisces
February 19 — March 20
Have you ever mailed a dead fish by Changuinola express to a fictitious person, knowing full well it would remain in its box in the office of the transport company getting ranker and ranker by the day?  Until finally some employee exhausted by the sound of buzzing flies throws the damn thing out, and then for revenge lists the package as lost?  No; good it’s a miserable thing to do, but that’s basically what you’re Aries love interest is trying to do to you.  That’s right, just sending you off blind and trusting in your box of hope, until finally the realization of their wicked joke stinks so badly that even you get the picture.  Sad sad sad, but take heart and remember a razor cuts both ways.  And your cruel Aries is soon to receive a backhanded karmic slap the likes of which will cause their grandchildren’s ears to ring.  Sorry Pisces I know the loss must seem devastating, but consider the possibility you can’t lose what you never truly had.

Monthly overview of astrological influence
Of late my qualifications have been called into question regarding my suitability to provide astrological insights, let me respond as follows.  In my mid-30s I had the opportunity to be a participant in a phase 3 drug trial for a medication which hopefully would reduced scar tissue growth in spinal cord injury.  The pharmaceutical company required that I stay in their facility located near the aisles of Langerhans.  A desolate fishing village in the high Himalayan mountains just south of the even more desolate town of Distraction.  Which if you know your geography, overlooks the vast dry crater formally known as scenic Veronica Lake.  The trials consisted not only of the medication, but also daily colonics and massive meals of freshly puréed fruits, fish and vegetables.  I began to suspect I might be in the placebo group, and at one point recalled thinking “I haven’t slept for 10 days; because that would be too long”.  Fortunately the boredom was broken by the occasional home movie of a Ukrainian named Stanislaw whose importance to the overall research was never made even remotely clear.  After eight weeks I had lost 90% of my original body weight, and as I no longer cast a shadow was released from the program on my own recognizance.  The next 16 years I wandered the surrounding mountains, living solely on broken promises and tears.  One afternoon while sitting in my cave, bored silly, and idly spinning straw into gold, I was discovered by a friendly although slightly aggressive yeti selling toothbrushes.  Much to my sorrow earlier that very day I had given the last of my teeth to a missionary on sabbatical from soap box in front of Macy’s department store.  Well as you can imagine one thing led to the next, as it often does, and my yeti friend as it turned out happen to have an uncle Stanislaw.  More importantly his uncle had a brilliant, although short lived career as a toe dancer in a glass factory, then in a radical career move became the only limousine driver in all of Tibet.  Which I feel clearly explains my vast knowledge astrology, as well as the associated piercings which often accompany it.

This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses recommends suggests or in any other form infers actual fact.  And under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making.  Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.

This column is created and written by John Schneider.  Mr. Schneider lives in jeopardy, but resides in bliss.

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