December Horoscopes

Sagittarius
November 22 — December 21
This is a great opportunity for self-improvement. Consider Squinting as the new smiling, give it a try you’ll be amazed at the results. Practice saying hello in different voices. Try turning your whole body instead of only your head when addressing someone. Join a next millennium support group, then get comfortable.

Capricorn
December 22 — January 19
There are hard times ahead for you and your fellow Capricorns. Carry a light at night, and wear white, trouble could be lurking around any corner, look under things, especially new romantic interests. If it doesn’t smell right don’t eat it. Say no to fruits no matter how attractive they may be.

Aquarius
January 20 — February 18
If your name is Art, do you know what you like? Ponder this while avoiding any attempt at real work. Serious endeavors at this time will only produce disappointment. Spend time with people who will buy you drinks. Think only of yourself, chances are good no one else is. Borrow others’ glasses, make note of the change in your perception, then keep the glasses.

Pisces
February 19 — March 20
You would think being a Pisces you and Cancer the crab would be pals, sadly not this month. You both have similar goals in mind and will find yourself in fierce competition, watch your back. This is not a good month to have crabs for pals.

Aries
March 21 — April 19
Watch out Ares, unforeseen forces could have an important effect on you at this time. Look for hidden messages on beer coasters and in restrooms. Avoid grapes, raisins and Pisces, nothing good can come of them for the immediate future.

Taurus
April 20 — May 20
A close friend will come to you with an unusual request, consider it carefully taking into account any open sores they may have. Your time is valuable so use it wisely. For now shun opportunities to grow facial hair for profit. And this I cannot stress strongly enough, Steer clear of linear thinking.

Gemini
May 21 — June 21
Look alive, a Pisces thinks you are hot, but their sweet words may distract you from your primary purpose this month. Look to your left something weird may be gaining on you. Focus, focus, focus. Don’t be afraid to say no without provocation.

Cancer
June 22 — July 22
Drinking heavily combined with an unscheduled boat ride will release your Chi, but this may not be the ideal path to enlightenment. Consider foot binding for fun and profit, then start at home business utilizing lint.

Leo
July 23 — August 22
Being frank, or Kurt this month will only reinforce others suspicion that you are schizophrenic. Form lines wherever possible, demanding obedience from gecko, this although unproductive it is entertaining. Beware of monkeys with hand tools.

Virgo
August 23 — September 22
This month continue to consider interspecies dating as a way to broaden your relationship base. Butter and lime make a nice cologne. Don’t be embarrassed working for scale. Remember even a fish can be good company under the right circumstances.

Libra
September 23 — October 22
Ok Libra, prepared to have your ordinarily well balanced life turned upside down. Look out for a Capricorn who smells like bacon and is ready to rock your world. Be ready to jump when this happens, but aim well, as early inattentiveness could cause a pulled groin muscle or worse.

Scorpio
October 23 — November 21
Beware of those using the word bogus, rad or boss. A problem which has been bothering you will go away when you stop feeding it. Consider the long-term gain over the short term investment, then divide by two.

Monthly overview of astrological influences

This month the astrological influences are all over the place. It’s a regular free-for-all up there. Each sign seems to have its own agenda with only a few exceptions. Take Libra for instance, poor sign is like the designated driver at the celestial disco. His best bud Scorpio has hooked up with some hottie from the second house of Jupiter. And they’re out behind the bar where old Scorpio is definitely in ascension, and shows no signs of slipping into retrograde anytime soon. Libra didn’t even want to come out tonight, but Scorpio insisted. And now here he is at the bar sipping ginger ale with no hope of getting out of there any time before two. And Scorpio, his idiot friend knows full well he needs to be at work by 7:30 AM tomorrow morning. See what I mean.

This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses recommends suggests or in any other form infers actual fact. And under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making. Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.

This column is created and written by John Schneider. Mr. Schneider is not a clinical psychologist living in Bocas del Toro and working on his dissertation.