Horoscopes – April 2014

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March 21 — April 19

Doing things on your own terms is not an option but a necessity.  As a leader and self starter you often find it difficult to bear up under the inadequacies of those that are there supposedly to assist you in your endeavors.  This causes you to be, what some consider withdrawn, but you know you are simply independent.  Travel is your passion although you don’t have the opportunities to do so as much as you would like.  Don’t allow your feelings to be hurt by those that consider you manic, the truth is you’re both lively and energetic,  and those that don’t see this don’t deserve your company or efforts.


April 20 — May 20

Your independent nature often leaves you alone and wondering why.  You can be a loyal and patient friend but often find yourself disappointed by those you choose for that purpose.  This stems from your independent nature and desire to get things done your way, or the highway regarding those around you.  People are drawn to you for your dependability, but often put off by your inability towards flexibility.  Your self- indulgent and materialistic side often causes rifts between those you profess to care about and your ability to do so.  Although you would prefer love over success you tend to allow your possessive/jealous side to take control, sabotaging what could be a good thing.  Straight up Taurus, no one needs the grief, and if you don’t start to moderate your rigid style, no one, is exactly who you’ll have.


May 21 — June 21

Hey sailor, looking for a good time, look no further than a Gemini.  No one in the zodiac is more energetic or imaginative, and it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.  Your impulsive/devious side, has on more than one occasion made an end run around your good sense, leaving you closer to disaster or arrest than in retrospect now seems appropriate.  Keep in mind that the best stories are told over drinks with friends, not to police officers or cellmates.  Remember there is no crime in letting a lie enhance a good story.  Your wit is your greatest gift, and like a wire whisk properly used, can turn a single egg of a thought into an omelette of entertainment.


June 22 — July 22

Question, how many Cancers does it take to change a lightbulb.  Answer, all of them.  Poor you, cancer, so many options, so much insecurity.  Even on a good day you feel so short of self-actualization that you wonder how you managed to dress yourself and get out of the house.  You could be one of the coolest signs in the zodiac except for your constant need of support from others.  You could make someone a great partner if only your crippling oversensitivity and moody nature could be placed in perspective.  Come on Cancer, don’t you deserve love, of course you do.  Corn on the cob, you’re loyal, caring and dependable, who wouldn’t want you as a partner?  Keyword, partner, not support system.  Get right with your insecurities and get ready for great results.


July 23 — August 22

“A Leo without a project is like a prophet without an investment”.  This cryptic gem is from the remaining uneaten half of a fortune cookie.  As further proof of the accuracy and insight of the statement, the three numbers remaining for the pick six Lotto were dead on, and in correct order.  Only an idiot argues with a cookie. Balance is paramount this month, as you will find it difficult to focus on your ambitions rather than dwelling on exercising dominance over another.  Now is an ideal time to plan and execute an event which includes as many of your friends and acquaintances as possible.  But remember, it’s important not to let your desire for dominance over others cloud your plans.


August 23 — September 22

This month you find your work wearing you down, and skepticism is causing you to consider another employment direction.  You may be over-thinking the reasons for your unhappiness.  Consider the possibility you set your goals too high, and your skeptical assessment of your coworkers may be clouding your otherwise reliable judgment.  Consider a trip to the pharmacy for the purchase of a giant chill pill and perhaps a beginner’s guide to mental flexibility.  The past is not necessarily prologue, so consider less dwelling on it as a step in the right direction for a happier future.  Take a minute to pull your eyes away from the details of your life/work and look out the window, now don’t things look better already.


September 23 — October 22

Don’t be surprised when both friends and strangers seek you out for advice in the very near future.  Why not, after all, you’re diplomatic, hospitable, and easily accessible by others in need of advice.  Be aware their desire for assistance is no indication of your ability to provide it.  Libra, a smart move regarding these people would be listen patiently and do your best to guide them to others more skilled to address their problems.  Be on guard, as your vanity may guide you towards providing advice you are not properly qualified to provide,  or have you forgotten recommending the razor blade museum to that hemophiliac?


October 23 — November 21

Step back Scorpio, your suspicious nature is about to rupture a relationship so potentially perfect it makes the universe dizzy to consider the loss.  Sadly, with all your good points, your excessive jealousy is about to derail a love interest that you know through patient observation could for you, be perfect.  Your uncertainty and paranoia will undoubtedly lead you toward badly executed attempts at manipulation regarding this soon to be either lost, found or abandoned relationship.  Your passion is what most draws this person towards you, but your inflexibility is what will ultimately, given a chance, destroy their willingness to continue their pursuit.  Here’s a thought to court success, try looking more and speaking less.


November 22 — December 21

Hello Sagittarius, star wise it looks like a real coin toss for you this month, plus a serious side of uncomfortable introspection to boot.  The details are unclear, as I mentioned, due to your independence and introspection.  Your basic nature is to seek wisdom, and of course with wisdom comes change.  This leaves others at a loss for how to approach and connect with you.  Although you crave stronger connections with others, don’t let your overall desire for truth deter you from your path.  This is not the easiest course, but it is the one you were meant to take.  For you it all comes down to the degree of freedom your choices allow.  This may be difficult for others to accept but for you it is not only right but mandatory.


December 22 — January 19

Looking for a friend, look no further than the Capricorn.  But of course Capricorn you know this, as you find you have no choice in your life but to help those that you consider friends in whatever way possible.  Beware of this particular trait, as it can sometimes lead you into situations where those you help, consider it your responsibility instead of your pleasure.  This can also lead to unwanted physical relationships due to your lack of imagination when confronted with the possibility of inter-personal relationships.  Don’t be so naïve, if it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck it’s probably somebody misconstruing your loyal friendship as an overture to potential hanky-panky.


January 20 — February 18

Aquarius, do you remember that really long percussion note at the end of the Beatles Magical Mystery Tour album?  The one that when you turn the volume up as far as it will go seems to just continue as a vibration until the hiss of the speakers, no matter how good your sound system might be, overtakes it?  My point is, your search for that unseeable vibration/sound, is pushing you to the point of depression.  This makes you appear to others as aloof, and when questioned, sarcastic ,rather than your true nature , introspective.  Try playing to your strong suits, especially any humanitarian opportunities that may present itself.  Re-focus, rethink, recover.


February 19 — March 20

Hi Pisces, well it looks as if your impulsive nature has at least two of your four emotional wheels stuck in a relationship ditch.  Had you not been so impatient this probably would not have happened.  There is bound to be some fairly major expense involved regarding this situation.  Play to your higher qualities and be generous and optimistic for a positive resolution of this situation.  Both Benjamin Franklin and Justin Bieber were Pisces.  One is, we all know,  an independent thinker and an enthusiastic lover of both life and women.  Whereas the other is eye candy for self-involved mental defectives.  Each guy sought to succeed in his chosen endeavors, sadly both did.  My point, you Pisces are the most likely to control a situation through sheer force of will.  Some find this charming others not so much.  Therefore wisdom dictates you choose carefully when exercising your highest aspirations, as this can affect others, then and only then proceed.


Monthly overview of astrological influence

Anyone familiar with astrology will be happy to tell you that astrology, like the universe, the cosmos, and a little closer to home, interpersonal relationships and life choices are complicated.  They tell you this for three reasons, the first is, it gets them off the hook should they make a lousy astrological prediction, secondly, their Internet has been down for a day, and they have no idea what’s going on in the world, consequently no current events to mindlessly regurgitate to cover their lack of social skills and a clearly definable philosophy that speaks to experience instead of doctrine. Thirdly, they are right.  Freud said life is metaphor, I say sit down, re-up, think right, get back, strap on and turn off, oh, and for the third time no starch.  Just forget the preceding, and for that matter, the present and the yet to be determined unwritten future.  Here’s your monthly, thank God for it.  All of you signs know pretty much what your character traits and flaws are, and since I can’t speak specifically to your personal situations just accept this metaphoric cautionary tale instead.

Imagine, Aries and Pisces are gal pals, not tight, just work pals.  Well they decide to go out for a drink after work, quiet little place, normal Wednesday night crowd.  They sit in a booth and the waiter, a clean-cut cute Virgo, probably gay they decide, takes their order.  From across the room this Aquarius approaches, a million-dollar smile and a nine dollar haircut, but the closer that gets him a seat are his eyes, bright as diamonds even in this dimly lit room.  He sits, and Aries and Pisces forget work completely, focusing only on Mr. Bright eyes and their strong desire for what he could represent.  For Ms. Pisces, Aquarius seems a kindred spirit, and she relaxes easily into the gentle ebb and flow of the conversation, unlike Ms. Aries, whose desires rise with every word he speaks.  Here’s some hints, Pisces and Aries are both powerful signs capable of destroying one another depending upon their power of will.  One by smothering the other by atomizing through pressure. Aquarius, our air sign in this scenario provides support to different portions of these sign personalities, hence it’s desirability.  Need more, Scorpios, Leos and Aries now more than ever seek unity.  Libra’s balance as well is Gemini’s wit and cunning abilities can assist you in this endeavor.

This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses, recommends, suggests or in any other form infers actual fact. Under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making.  Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.


This column is created and written by John Schneider.  Mr. Schneider has no compulsion towards responsibility.




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