Aries
March 21 — April 19
This month if good ideas were airplanes your brain would be considered a no-fly zone. Guard what little you have as a slick Sagittarius has their eye on it. A lost love one weighs heavily in your thoughts, you have considered consulting a medium to peer beyond the veil, but a better use of your time would be checking the air pressure in your bike tires. Consider, have you ever seen a headline reading “medium wins lottery”. Trust me your loved ones are doing just fine, in fact better than you if you don’t heed the advice regarding that Sagittarian. Avoid anyone over 60 wearing mudflaps as pants, no matter how fashionable.
Taurus
April 20 — May 20
Hi Taurus, have you found yourself recently humming various protest songs without knowing why. As the moon reaches its Zenith expect to find yourself uncontrollably drawn toward a humanitarian cause that previously you had either ignored or been unaware of. Now you find this cause irresistible. And at every opportunity find yourself quoting their driving precept, which states ” if in this vast world any man is not free , then I’m a small pie made of chicken. So much for humanity. Seek professional help, or simply wait, and like the Constitution the relevancy of any precepts genuine or fictitious will become null and void. Excluding of course those that are either Opera or Trump rich, crazy or both.
Gemini
May 21 — June 21
Given half a chance is like being beaten half to death. It really doesn’t give you much of a positive place to begin again. This by way of warning Gemini. A group of unnecessarily angry women wearing comfortable shoes are looking to kick your astrological sign right out of the zodiac. Why, who can say, although after last month perfect game, metaphorically speaking you have been very verbal and less than considerate of others and their feelings. To save face you could allude to either relapse or prolapse, depending upon your audience. This should at least save you the other half of what could be early death, rather than early retirement socially speaking.
Cancer
June 22 — July 22
Hi cancer, have you ever wished your sign had a cheerier name? I mean come on, cancer cancer cancer, not the most desirable of conditions to possess or describe your attributes. How about ice cream instead, with or without crushed nuts. Well funny name or not this month is all about you. Actually for the next 45 days you can do nearly no wrong. This doesn’t give you a double O clearance, but it will allow you to have no problem finding employment yelling at houseplants. And not just houseplants either, there’s huge money to be made in the verbal abuse business, plus flexible hours, dental and a substantial uniform allowance. So come on ice cream, let’s see what you are really made of. Lucky number 31, can you guess why.
Leo
July 23 — August 22
Hey there Leo, well just as promised last month was a blazing success as you followed the advice of the stars to the letter. And how about that part regarding an old friend resurfacing. And even better, them giving you something you hadn’t expected, but certainly needed, which fitted both your mood, wardrobe and personality. Now let’s consider the wages of sin, which by the way are not $6.50 an hour plus tips. Not even close. For the correct answer get thee hence to your nearest technical University book store where a self-explanatory scroll may be purchased for under a dollar. But be sure and buy the most recent edition, as the older scrolls tend to be vague and often slavery, bondage, and indentured servitude information is substituted for genuine facts.
Virgo
August 23 — September 22
Most Virgos have a degree of musical talent. This can be exhibited in and act as simple as drumming their fingers, whistling, humming or in extreme cases rhythmically banging their head against a table to elicit more rapid service. A job opportunity will present itself this month, be cautious regarding travel, new clothes or pedicures. Slow cautious decisions will allow for success. Now is a terrific time to sell off unused items around your home, especially in the kitchen. I have it on good astrological authority that your knife drawer and microwave are plotting against you. Lucky number, $10, or best offer.
Libra
September 23 — October 22
watch your step Libra, as both Mars and Jupiter aligned behind a Scorpio who already feels strong animosity toward your even-tempered nature. Remain distant and aloof, now is an ideal time to focus on an independent project. For instance, beating swords into plowshares, and then beating those into crappy jewellery. Which in turn you will annoy diners with in assorted restaurants. Under no circumstances buy an accordion.
Scorpio
October 23 — November 21
Sorry Scorpio, but your romantic expectations will not be met. Love is not like butter and spending more money on it will in no way guarantees its quality or spread ability. Avoid anger and self-pity, also never eat anything found in the bottom drawer of a used refrigerator. Now the good news, comes October your chart reads better than the happy ending in a Dickens novel. And don’t for get the phrase [tale of two cities]. Right now bide your time and remember, as the weather turns cooler your romantic life warms up substantially.
Tale of two cities, later, great expectations, not right now.
Sagittarius
November 22 — December 21
A chance encounter with another Sagittarius will leave you with more questions than answers. It said that most Sagittarian faces can be read like a book. Granted a book that more than likely should have been banned in most countries, but there you are. Staring into the abyss of your own image. Consider what you see, imagine plumbing the depths of their soul. Now consider if their soul were an ocean you’d barely get your feet wet. Wow, harsh reality. The fix won’t be easy sags, self-centered is self-defeating. We all know opening up for you is difficult, but hey do you really want to be that guy?
Capricorn
December 22 — January 19
Have you ever wondered why other people have good ideas and you don’t. Well Capricorn the truth is those people follow you around and do the exact opposite of what you’re attempting. Remember that romantic interlude that required the use of a Crane and written permission from the electric company? The universe does, and has decided to cut you a break in the form of an unprecedented good idea, and a new girlfriend/boyfriend, your choice. Plus a copy of the home game [THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK]. So show your thanks, look up, smile and do three mental cartwheels.
Aquarius
January 20 — February 18
Aquarians tend to view themselves as followers rather than leaders. They also move their lips when they read, caught you didn’t I. All the other signs love you and seek you out for their BFF’s. Your loyalty and regard for others property makes you unfit for public office, too bad for the rest of us. You focus on details to the annoyance of your friends who prefer the big picture. Screw them, the beauty is in the details, plus the details much easier to keep track of, due in part to your linear thinking, plus your uncontrollable copious note taking. Try cultivating the phrase “nevertheless”. Try and act with as little discrimination as possible regarding placement. Nevertheless. Nine out of ten convicted horse thieves started out as Aquarians, or was it equestrian?
Pisces
February 19 — March 20
Too bad Pisces but warm and fuzzy is out of the question this month as your prevailing sun sign is off following fish on tour. So don’t expect a miracle or a grilled cheese sandwich any time in the near future. Now is a ideal time for a new hairdo, or anything follicle related. For instance, consider teasing those abnormally long nose hairs into an attractive handlebar mustache. Or better yet, procure an out of work wicker worker, that was fun, and have them crochet all those otherwise unsightly nose, eyebrow, ear and chin hairs into an attractive facial cozy. Affect a British accent, unless of course you are British, in which case the facial cozy will be sufficient.
Monthly overview of astrological influence
This month, astrologically speaking, is to your social life and the opportunity for making friends what the beehive hairdo was to cross-country bicycle racing. Allow me to explain, have you ever yelled into an electric fan and heard the way your voice becomes distorted. Of course you have, probably in the nude if you’re anything like most of my readers. Okay so what’s happening here is invisible influences, that is to say the flow of air disrupted by the blades of the fan are invisibly hacking your voice into jagged little fragments. Ordinarily you’d be clearly heard, perhaps not understood, but what with the distortion people find themselves confused by the static rather than your words. You have two options here, the first stop yelling into fans, more specifically recognize the issues that are causing static in your communications. Or you could adopt the historically French attitude, that of surrendering to pretty much any opposition that comes over the hill waving anything more menacing than a salad fork. I recommend the former especially as Jupiter and Mars align late in the month leaving more than ample opportunity to mend fences, build bridges, restore alliances, or replace shelf paper with a nice floral design instead of those annoying stripes. Patience is a virtue, as is mastering the Rubiks cube, but only patience will pay off in maintaining the status quo, which considering the placement of the stars should be viewed as a raging success. Next month, Newton’s law as it applies to playground etiquette.
This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses recommends suggests or in any other form infers actual fact. And under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making. Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.
This column is created and written by John Schneider. Mr. Schneider loves wisely but not well.
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