March 21 — April 19
All that glitters is not gold. Aries this month you’ll discover just how accurate this old adage is as a sneaky Sagittarius tries first to suggest, than cajole, and finally force something on or perhaps in you. Not a good idea! Keep your eyes open and your mouth shut. If necessary lie about your resistance to sneaky Sagittarius and their pie in the sky proposition to get over on you one way or another. Due to your ruling planet slipping into retrograde you may find yourself more vulnerable than usual. Take special care to guard against Sagittarius in particular, but also potential agents working in conjunction with Sagittarius. Be particularly watchful regarding anything green either going in or out of your mouth or pocket. Now is not a good time to adopt an orphan, no matter how old or attractive. Metaphor time, thinking about petting a stray dog, before you do, consider how many fingers you can comfortably live without? Your lucky number, forget about it, no bet no lose.
April 20 — May 20
A Taurus walks into a bar. No surprise there, as at the present time, as well as through the month, you Taurus, will feel a strong desire for company and perhaps even the resurrection of an ancient relationship. Your thinking is half accurate, companionship sure, but old relationships forget about it. The problem with history is that unless it is periodically reviewed in some form other than our hazy recollections, we tend to misplace or misinterpret many of the key details. For instance, you recall how loving and attentive your significant other was while you spent those two weeks recuperating from a near death experience, but have chosen to dismiss completely the fact that they were the one who had initially delivered the near fatal wound. Admittedly this may be an extreme example, but trust me there are other compelling reasons to avoid reliving the past. Sadly, at this moment, none come to mind. No, wait a moment here’s one, although a bit cliché, the past is prologue, so hold it near, examine it closely, and consider it one of the most useful tools you possess for creating a more harmonious future.
May 21 — June 21
Oh my poor Gemini. Are you feeling exhausted, confused and frustrated? We in astrology refer to this as the brain in a blender syndrome. The explanation can be as complicated or as simple as you choose. But at present, and for the sake of brevity as well as the conservation of paper, lets stick with simple. Your big secret, yes the big one that you’ve worked so hard to suppress, with I must say an amazingly colorful variety of addictions, is about to be revealed. So brace yourself Myrtle as the next several months are going to be a hellacious collage of disappointment and angst. Now here’s why. Nearly every belief and natural law that you hold true to this point, excluding perhaps gravity, are about to abandon you. This has to do with timing and distance both in the universe, astrologically speaking, and your personal life. You’re probably thinking gee whiz thanks a lot, well don’t blame me you little whiner. For years you’ve been trading on your good looks, glib tongue and marginal education. All this in hopes of diverting the discovery of what you feel to be your complete and total lack of adequacy as a human being. Hurts don’t it? Of course I could be wrong.
June 22 — July 22
When I was seven years old my parents took me to Disney World, where, unable to pay their bill they sold me to the man who ran the “It’s a small world after all” attraction. It was probably the best two years of my life, just me and 480 other lost/abandoned children singing non-stop 16 hours a day. After closing time we were free to eat whatever was left over in the various ride gondolas or park refuse bins. Now cancer, even as good as this sounds, this month for you is going to be even better, so buckle up. First expect a financial windfall, this will allow you to buy drinks for total strangers endearing yourself not only to them but to the universe in general. Also Mercury, you remember Mercury, flexible shiny shape shifting good old Mercury is all about bringing you good luck and contentment, all that’s necessary on your part, besides your ever present winning smile and receptive attitude are clean hands, both literally and figuratively. So get right and get ready here comes the fun.
July 23 — August 22
Elvis, Mahatma Gandhi and Big Bird were all Leos, that is to say the person inside the Big Bird costume was a Leo. Each of these individuals excelled in their chosen profession, with the most memorable being Big Bird. Extrapolating on Mr. Bird’s success one would have to assume that size actually does matter, especially if you’re covered with feathers. Which of course you are not, however if you were, oh just forget it. Here’s the deal Leo, Cancer and Pisces are ascending and with their ascension, an opportunity for you to excel on a project, which you have to this point been somewhat sheepish about pursuing, due to your lack of confidence. Don’t be shy in seeking assistance, for as you read this there is a willing and knowledgeable collaborator within the sound of your voice, no yelling please. Remember to pace yourself, what you pursue is part journey and part reward so don’t miss the journey part by ignoring your surroundings. Try lowering your standards, but think of this as compromise instead of selling out . This has always worked for me. Sure haikus are cool but limericks are remembered. You do the math.
August 23 — September 22
Congratulations Virgo for the first time in a while both you and the universe are in sync. Take stock and I think you’ll find right now you feel super comfy in your own skin, nice feeling is it not? Now here’s the best part, three of your four ruling planets are in nearly perfect alignment allowing you to be all the Virgo you can be this month. However this is not a green light for you to go out and join a cult or dress only in purple , but more an opportunity to take full advantage of your good nature and and special abilities. Those that know you well are keenly aware of those abilities/attributes, wink wink, but in past months have sorely been missing them . Virgo, just remember slow and steady in actions and thought is all that is necessary for you to be happier than a gecko at a mosquito fest. Avoid any agreement or negotiation which requires bodily fluids as a down payment.
September 23 — October 22
November may be a rocky month for you Libra. It appears as if your ruling planets, as well as some of your friends have drifted from the scene. This is a temporary situation, although breath mints are always a good idea. If you are willing to be patient you will discover this social hiatus is an opportunity for reflection and improvement, instead of some sort of personal slight. Now while we’re on the subject of reflection, you do know that having 30 dust bunnies under your bed does not qualify you to teach animal husbandry. Although it is an excellent conversation starter at any meeting of the Future Farmers of America. Let’s talk hygiene, makeup is not a substitute for soap and water, that includes you dudes. Also covering your floor with assorted pieces of discarded clothing is not the same as sweeping or mopping. I think you might see where I’m going here. Now, and I do mean right now is a good time to put down the Breeze and sweep up the sleaze. Remember things on your floor do not qualify as souvenirs. Consider this a belated spring cleaning, or better yet, laying down a great foundation for the return of both more positive astrological influences as well as the return of old friends.
October 23 — November 21
Scorpio, give it a rest, seriously there are limits, if not to your insatiable desire towards pleasure, at least respect the boundaries of gravity and public decorum. I mean really, the nursing home? The rule is as follows “no one in diapers, adult or otherwise”. It’s a rule, look it up. Sure everyone deserves love, just not necessarily on a table in the middle of the dining room surrounded by toothless, wrinkled souls keeping time to your antics by rhythmically gumming their tapioca. Harsh, sure but have you seen the video, 30 billion hits and climbing, all from a demographic that defies the actuarial table. Come on Scorpio, get a grip, I mean this figuratively. Right now your astrological conditions are changing faster than the mind of a schizophrenic diabetic at Baskin Robbins. For once in your pleasure seeking life give it a rest. There are dark influences circling your sign this month, influences capable of ruining your day. And by ruining, I mean killing you, and by day I mean dead forever. Don’t say we didn’t warn you, actually I know you won’t, why, because the tongue is the first thing to go.
November 22 — December 21
Good for you, it looks to me astrologically speaking that you’ve finally decided to knuckle down and take a serious attitude about the work ahead. This is not a bad thing, although at present you may not see your goal as clearly as others around you do. Your signs and opportunities are quite positive, so don’t be dissuaded by your ordinarily frivolous nature. The last week of November brings Pluto precariously close with the possibility of disrupting both work and relationship through misunderstanding. Be extremely cautious, with special note to avoid any event where one or more balls may be utilized. You’re doing great with your new mantra “Focus, focus, focus”. Keep plugging away, and remember just because you don’t know exactly where you’re going, doesn’t mean you’re not on your way.
December 22 — January 19
How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb? Capricorns don’t change light bulbs, they hire an Aquarius and then make snide remarks about their chipper attitudes. Too bad for you Capricorn, your run of success both in finance and romance is about to come to a crashing halt. If you listen carefully you can hear the sound, like the low rumble of an oncoming train. Right now the universe is rolling up its sleeve and about to present you with a one two punch the likes of which only Hitler with a toothache could rival. What to do, what to do? If you watch Survivor, Fear Factor or Dancing with the Stars the answer should be crystal clear. However, if you have even a shred of taste, you don’t, so perhaps a quick interpretation of your present astrological condition may assist you in making, if not the right future choice, at least one that won’t land you in intensive care. Beware false prophets both in the boardroom and bedroom. What is, is not, choose carefully in all matters. Remember, it is better to be thought stupid that through action be proven so.
January 20 — February 18
The universe can be your best friend or your worst enemy this month. Sadly at present your influences seem to be wandering around the solar system like a blind dog in a meat market. If all goes well that blind dog will eventually find a bone, after all he is in a meat market. Regarding you Aquarius old sport, renewed focus on your core desire at present is primary in keeping you from harm’s way. It appears a major choice you made six months ago has come back to haunt you. Keep in mind ghosts are only as scary as you allow them to be, and in retrospect your choice, although initially grief producing, was ultimately correct. A Pisces in your past still thinks you’re super hot. Consider this complementary but not an invitation to hijinks. Vote and vote often.
February 19 — March 20
Good morning Pisces. Your situation astrologically speaking this month reminds me of the alternate ending to the story of Tom Thumb. In the version to which I’m referring, Tom wishes ardently to become a normal sized boy, and instead is captured, killed, chrome plated and sold as a hood ornament to a bad boy rapper, who is into water polo as well as other water sports. By now you’re asking yourself, hey writer dude, how does this apply to me? Let me explain, you have plans for your life, hopes and aspirations, if you will, a direction clearly defined. But something shiny, chrome plated so to speak, will be your downfall, taking you perhaps permanently off the path which you see for yourself. Scary right, I guess so, but into each life a few disasters are expected, perhaps mandatory, don’t ask me. Besides that, you really weren’t doing much with your miserable little life anyway, so perhaps the best you can hope for is being some sort of ornament. Perhaps on the arm of a rich old lady or man, with a short lifespan, and a long list of investments.
Monthly overview of astrological influence
Have you ever seen the movie Beach Blanket Bingo with Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon? My guess is probably not, as most of us old enough to remember and appreciate Annette during the Mickey Mouse club years were by the time the film came out too old and jaded to believe any of the bikini clad gyrations on the screen were real, much less relevant to our lives. Wise choice. As I write this column Jupiter,, Mars and Saturn, all considered big planets on campus so to speak, are reaching conjunction and about to make their particular presence strongly felt here on Earth. Earthquakes, tidal waves, even bad hair days are possible, really bad hair days. Like somewhere in the cosmos your entire scalp is signaling to make a left turn. Which by the way explains pretty much everyone who you come in contact with oozing with the inability to make a decision. Seriously, people are standing in lines at fish and chip shops as we speak, staring at the menu which has only one item [fish and chips], unable to make a decision. Within the next week, half the free world will be found seemingly hypnotized in front of their open refrigerator doors, clad only in their underwear and wondering what the hell they’re looking for. And that dear readers is just the beginning. Several of the old gods, not Zeus of course, but some of the other Titans are ramping up as winter solstice fast approaches. And soon those gods and deities still here on Earth, who thankfully we have kept lovingly alive by our mumbled beliefs will gather, for what can only be described as spring break for deities.
This monthly horoscope column in no way endorses, recommends, suggests or in any other form infers actual fact, and under no circumstance should be considered valid information for the purpose of life decision making. Should you have any comments or suggestions regarding this column, please feel free to keep them to yourself.
This column is created and written by John Schneider. Mr. Schneider is presently on a vegetarian diet, two per day.